My Lobotomy

Yesterday was the first day of Fall. This is my favorite time of year. I remember taking trips to New Hampshire and renting a small cabin for a couple of days near Franconia notch. I loved the smell the woodstove generated and how crisp the morning air felt when I stepped out on the porch with my first cup of coffee. I loved wrapping myself in a blanket and sitting out there until my toes went a little numb. Today things are very different. It is 94 degrees in Texas. The air is still thick and humid. Went running Saturday and Sunday night and could not even catch a breeze. Just not the same.

I was at Barnes and Nobles on Saturday and came across the new book I am reading. It is called, My Lobotomy, A Memoir. It is written by Howard Dully and Charles Fleming. It is the true story of the life of Howard Dully. When Howard was 12, his step mother convinced his father that Howard's behavior would be better controlled through a lobotomy. A transorbital lobotomy was performed on Howard at the age of twelve by Dr. Walter Freeman. Although a Portuguese physician invented the lobotomy, Dr. Freeman ran with the procedure. His files indicate that he operated on more than 4000 patients with Howard being the youngest at twelve. This is probably one of the most disturbing books I have read in a long time. It is set in the 1950's and 60's when mental health was just not discussed and children were the property of their parents. The story recounts abuse, neglect and corporal punishment that Howard received at the hands of his step mother and father. It illustrates the power that parents have over the welfare of their children. Dr. Freeman met Howard and could not find the issues that his step mother repeatedly complained about, but went ahead with the surgery anyway. A good portion of the book is told by way of memories that his brothers have because he is unable to remember much past the surgery. I am halfway through the book and Howard is just about to be abandoned in an asylum by his ever so loving parents for the next few years of his life. I am disturbed by the book, but cannot put it down. Howard Dully lives today in San Jose California and works as a tour bus driver. He is married. Apparently this book is about triumph of the human spirit to overcome any obstacle. I am hoping to finish it today.

Judge OKs 'Hitler Youth' Buttons to Protest School Uniform Policy - Not sure if anyone saw this news article. I was watching an interview on CNN yesterday with mothers of two of the boys who are wearing these buttons. They are protesting because they put their children in public school and do not feel that they should be subject to school uniforms. One mother stated on CNN that, "the government should not have the right to tell her how to dress her children." Not really sure how I feel about this one. First, I don't think the children wearing the buttons actually understand what the image on the button conveys. I do not agree with a parent using their child as a walking billboard of protest. The children are the ones who are subject to punishment because of the buttons, not their parents who obviously made them. I wore a uniform for most of my childhood and truly grew up wearing it. It made little difference to me. Most of my friends wore uniforms in high school as well. Probably the only time you would see them in a tie to this day. I guess this debate will continue for years to come as more and more school districts try to adopt uniforms.

Bad day at work today and it just promises to get worse before it gets better. Thankfully I only have 2 and 1/2 more days before I start my mini vacation. I board a plane Tuesday out of Austin at 3pm and wont get back until Wednesday morning. I am looking forward to just relaxing and not thinking about life or work. I am looking at a few houses on Saturday. A little concerned that one of them will be falling down because the price is in the one fiftys and that is unheard of for my home town.

Work
I work in a call center. Everyone at some point has had some interaction with a call center agent. Either you have called your cell phone or credit card company or have received a call from a telemarket company. I work in an inbound environment which just means that people call us because they either want our service or they have a problem. This type of work, believe it or not, is very difficult. You are tied to a desk by a headset for 8 to 10 hours a day. You get scheduled lunches and breaks but other than that you are suppossed to be taking calls. It is one of the few jobs where people cannot get up and pee without other people knowing where you are. These agents do not make a great pay either unless they have done the job for a while. They get yelled at for policies that are not theirs to make. They are the voice of the comapny because you cannot get through to the policy makers in the company. Some are very good at their jobs and should be praised for what they do. Others are bad at their jobs, hate their jobs and these agents need to have their supervisors know they did poorly.

Vacation
I have never taken one. I take mini ones now and then but I have never taken a full vacation some place other than back to my home town. I am looking to take a real vacation this year. I would like to go to Vegas and I would like to go someplace tropical or maybe Europe. I know I wont get to Europe this year but it is a goal of mine. I would love to go to France and Italy.
Next week, New Bedford. :)

A Few Things

UFC
Last night, Matt Hamill, the UFC wrestler got robed. I could not believe they scored the fight in favor of Bisping. I dont think they were watching the same fight. The only thing I could bring it down too was the home advantage. In my opinion, Hamill dominated the first two rounds. In some parts of the fight he even let Bisping stand back up so he could keep fighting. I still think he has some MMA work to do but I bet we will see a lot more of him soon. His hook stunned a few times last night. Another fighter I liked last night was Marcus Davis, The Irish Hand Grenade. He was very fit and fought a great fight. I will look for him to keep moving up too. My favorite is still George St. Pierre. Cant wait for his next fight.

Trainer
Well I finally did it. Yesterday I hired a personal trainer. I have been doing some cardio for a while now so it is time to add the weight training. It was expensive for 12 sessions but I think it will really help me reach my goal. I will be posting a before picture on my myspace today and a few more each couple of weeks to show my progress. Hopefully by the time I move home in November I will be a little closer. This should also help me in my 5k's. I have been reading that your time improves when you loose weight. With just a year at the gym my stamina and endurance has doubled. That is a good thing. Now I can just keep going and going.

Piper
First part of his journey to Ireland is up. Yeah! How can I live vicariously through him if he does not post. :) Read the post, it is good. He got to meet the Hulk.

Gym
I am going to the gym today for my first session. This should not be too fun. It will be before pictures, measurements and nutrition. I will not be posting my measurements on my myspace. Hope she has a tape measure big enough for the top. :) Wish me luck!

To Do List

"I really dont mind what happens now and then, as long as you'll be my friend in the end."

I have this fantasy that I have had since I was about 13. When I talk about this fantasy everyone looks at me like I am crazy. It is not that big of a deal. The more I have talked about the more I get that, "Are you fucked up," look from friends. I have wanted to have sex in the rain. You know kind of muddy and literally dirty. I am not sure how this came about anymore but it remains on top of my "to do" list.
People I work with have their own "to do" list. They want to have sex in public, in a bathroom, just not with a senator. Some of them want to have sex at a park, or in the water at a beach or in a plane. Others have different food related fantasies where they want to be the buffet at a table full of men. Others are more into the whipped cream and berries type of thing. None of my friends have any real bondage things on their list. None that they will admit too anyway.
I am rambling. Sorry! I have been working on my myspace lately and have been in photo bucket. It appears that I am not alone with my rainy, muddy fantasy. There are quite a few icons that talk about being in the rain, being naked in the rain, kissing in the rain. I guess it will remain on my "to do" list after all. Along with a few others I will not share yet.

Bored

"I’ll keep you by my side with my superhuman might."

I am sitting at home and very bored. I was just about to go running when it began to down pour. The weather in Texas has been odd this summer and we have gotten so much rain, my grass is actually green. Last summer the grass was burnt and my monthly electric bill was in the $400's. This month my bill is still $250.00 and the grass is actually growing. I am so glad that we have a long weekend. I need to just rest tomorrow. I do have a kickboxing class from 11 - 12 but that's something I look forward too.
Just got home from shopping earlier. I am coming home in September for a few days and have nothing to wear. I was very happy because I went down another jean size, yes! I am now a 10! I don't think I have been in a 10 since high school. Sadly for me though that even though I went down in jean sizes I could not find any shirts that, in my opinion, looked good. The weight loss has not affected my boobs. Right now the majority of shirts are low cut and v-necked. For most people this is fine but I was born blessed or cursed depending on how you look at it. When I wear a lot of these types of shirts, I look like I am showcasing the girls. Not exactly what I want for my aunts 50th anniversary party in the convent.
My aunt entered the Sister's of Mercy when she was 17 or 18 and she has spent the past 50 years serving God. I was amazed to learn that it has been 50 years. I dont even like driving the same car for 5 years, never mind poverty and chastity for 50 years. I have often wondered how the apple fell so far from the tree.
Well the rain is stopping so hopefully I can run for about 40 minutes.

Committed - Again

No this is not a new post saying that I have been sent to a facility to rest for a while. I truly could use being committed right now, but that's not what this is about. This is about my commitment again to the gym.

I have a goal to loose 50lbs. This has been a long term goal of mine for quite some time. I am not sure if 50lbs is reasonable for me though. I have never been stick thin. Let's just say my body type may not support my goal. I have been going to the gym consistently for over a year now. I love it. I try and go daily for a 35 min cardio treadmill run. On Saturdays, I take an hour long kickboxing class. Nothing tells me that I am alive more than kicking and punching for sixty minutes.

This is a re-commitment post because last week I said fuck the gym. I came home after work each day, drank a few glasses of wine and lay on my bed watching television. Looking at it this week, I think I was depressed. Things have been tough for me lately and I threw in the towel. I ate crap food all week and on top of that, did not exercise at all. That is until Friday night.

I was driving to opening night for the Texas high school football season, eating fried chicken tenders and French fries dipped in white gravy with a honey butter biscuit. As I dripped white gravy on my thankfully white tee, I said, what the hell are you doing. Why are you letting your life situation right now dictate how you feel and look? I put the food down, parked my car and went into the football stadium. This morning I got up, put on my gym clothes and made my kickboxing class.

I have finally decided to hire a personal trainer, stick with my goal and hopefully by the time I move home in November I will be a little closer. I also looked up when the next 5K was in this area and registered.

Wish me luck.

Signs

"What I've succumbed to is making me numb."

Do you believe in your astrological sign? Do you read your fortune after you finish your Chinese food?
Me, I read my fortunes and get a good laugh out of ones like, "others will enjoy your generosity." I like the ones that say, "A change is coming your way." I like the idea of something different. Sometimes I wonder why I am not happy in one place doing the same thing for a while. I wonder why I am a restless soul. I am the person who likes to move from one adventure to the next. I like diversity and I enjoy a challenge. Why? Why do I get bored so easily?
A male friend of mine told me it was because I was a Gemini. He told me to look into my zodiac sign and I would have a better understanding of myself. So I did look into my sign and what I found was not surprising.
Gemini- In love the Gemini person tends to be light-hearted, fickle, coolly affectionate, flirtatious, and may occasionally have 'a second string to their bow'. They need to be mentally stimulated in a relationship as well as emotionally and sexually.
The Gemini-born are intellectually inclined, forever probing people and places in search of information. The more information a Gemini collects, the better. Sharing that information later on with those they love is also a lot of fun, for Geminis are supremely interested in developing their relationships.
Is this me? The more I read the more I thought this was me. I love to be around people who can carry on good conversations. I love to discuss and debate issues and current events. I get bored easily in life. Maybe my friend had it right. Who knows...

Question to Ask

"Ive become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold."

On my recent quick visit home my cousin Jen gave me a book called, "When Things Fall Apart." This book pretty much sums up my life at the moment and she felt I should read it and gain some type of insight or comfort. I began reading the book on my flight home and have gotten halfway through it. I am stuck though on one part and need some insight.

The book is based on Buddist teachings and living in the present. It is very easy to understand except that it talks about giving up hope. That is the part I cant seem to get past in order to understand what I am reading. It says that when we cling to hope, it prevents us from living in the present and moving forward.

I know I have some very intelligent friends and thought maybe some of you had some insight. I am not really into self help books at all and I am trying to give this one a shot. If you have read any Buddist teachings and understand this aspect could you let me know.

Home

"You never thought you'd be alone, this far down the line."

It has been kind of a rough week for me. I am happy to be going home tomorrow. I have an early flight and will be in Providence by 3:00pm. It is a short trip and as usual there are a lot of things I want to do. I am coming back in September too and for a little bit longer. Hopefully the flight will be good. I am downloading a book to my ipod and bringing one too.
Chat with you soon!

Tag

So the Piper tagged me and I have been his submissive since I was 12. I must do everything that he commands me to do. So here it goes.

The Rules:
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged and that they should read your blog.5.
8 is a magic number. Not three.

1) When I was a child I collected feathers that came out of my feather pillow and kept them all in a box in my bureau. I did not throw them out because I did not want to hurt their feelings. No joke.

2) I slept in the same bed with my oldest sister for years. Each night before I got into bed she would make me show her my feet so she could be sure they were clean before she let me into bed.

3) Childhood nickname that my mother still calls me today - Half pint. Other nicknames are, T, Tam, Tamster, little one and for the folks at work, TNT.

4) When I drink I get, "friendly!" This is why I only drink around people I can be friendly with without it becoming a big issue. This does not happen with beer because that does not get me intoxicated. This happens with 2 full glasses of my favorite wine.

5) I have always wanted to have sex in the rain on the ground. Not sure why, but I am guessing it's because I am sometimes sappy and watched too much "Say Anything" as a teenager. Same reason I get mushy when I hear, "In Your eyes."

6) I cannot watch any type of horror movie. I will not sleep for weeks. As a teenager I watched American Werewolf in London while in Nantucket and made my travel companion sleep with me that night because i was too afraid.

7) I left a boyfriend at a high school Valentine day dance because a friend of his said, "wow your girlfriend has big guns." Instead of defending me, he agreed. I left the dance, walked down the street and called for a ride.

8) I have big boobs. I have had them since I was 12. See comment above. I like them. I would never get them reduced or changed at all. They look good in my shirts and have helped me get out of a ticket every now and then. I like to bare them on occasion as well. Tel, I will have to show you.

Tagged: All of you have already been tagged so I cannot tag anyone else. I will have to start tagging other random bloggers.

Fair or Unfair

Last Sunday I was reading the Austin American Statesman and came across an article that was upsetting. The article recounted the number of children in each state that have died from being left in a hot car. The focus of the article was upsetting as it recounted stories told by parents who left their children in their car. It was, to say the least, very sad.
The part of the article that really upset and angered me, was that woman who leave their children in their car to die, were given harsher sentences than men. Here is the article: http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=3424550.
I dont understand why this would be the case. The article seemed to give the impression that a mother leaving a child to die in a hot car is unforgivable while for the father it is tragic. It is a tragedy for everyone.
Do we still have so far to go in equality? Mothers are still seen as the only primary care giver? For a mother to forget or leave her child is seen in judge and jury's eyes to be an act of betrayal. She is the one who cares for that child, how could she do that! Fathers are still seen as having so many things on their minds with work and managing a home life, that this failure is seen as a tragic mistake.
In my opinion both bear the same responsibility. Fathers are stepping up in so many ways in their children's lives. They are no longer sitting by the sidelines but are active participants. This is a good thing. Along with this though comes the same level of responsibility that a mother has daily.

Mr. Lawyer

I went to a lawyer for the first time yesterday. As I sat in his office I thought to myself, why the hell did I not become a lawyer? Where was I on career day when Mr. Lawyer came in and told me that he can charge $250.00 an hour and can charge in increments of 1/10 an hour. How could I have missed the fact that he can charge for phone calls regarding your case? I must have went to the bathroom when he said that he charges $200.00 an hour for his senior partners, $150.00 an hour for his junior partners and $25.00 for his paralegal. I completely missed out on the fact that each change that he makes to a document can cost an additional $100.00.
Makes me want to go back to school and finish my degree. My luck though, I would pass the bar and then decide to work pro bono for those who need but cannot afford a lawyer.
I guess I am lucky that I have not needed to retain a lawyer until this point in my life. I don’t know how anyone except those with money could afford one.
As I sat in my car after the appointment, stunned by the information I just received, I thought, how does the single mother or father of three, afford a lawyer? How do they pay for these services? I am lucky in a way because I have the money I need to pay for an attorney. What do others do that don’t have the money? Maybe they just "fail to appear."

Bat Run Results

On Friday, July 13th I completed my 5th 5K of the summer. I participated in the Austin Bat Run. It was a non chip timed race, so I dont have my exact finishing time. It was somewhere around 38 miutes of so. Not fabulous, but it was also a very different course for me to run. This was a trail course. I had to run on dirt, sand and grass. I have only run on pavement courses. Running on grass was ok but the sand really worked my legs and slowed me down. It was also a very hot run. It was a run around Town Lake and after you made a loop to come back you were running directly into the sun. I thought at one point I was going to pass out because of being overheated but I was fine. This race made me very happy to finish. I crossed the line and I felt so good. That is because halfway through my mind was just saying, "stop." It was saying, "your tired, your legs hurt, your stomach is cramping, who cares if you dont finish." Well I care and I kept going. I am a very happy finisher of the race.

5K

Today, I ran the Freedom 5000 5K in Austin Texas. This was my 4th 5K so far. I ran my personal best with a time of 37:48. Its around a 12:06 minute mile. It is good for me but not quite my goal. I want to get to a 30 minute 5K by the end of this year.
I am running my next 5K on July 13th. This one is a night time 5K in Austin called the Bat Run. Austin has a large colony of bats and the race is set at night so everyone can watch the bats fly out from the Congress Ave bridge by the end of the race. That is why I have considered getting a bat tattoo. It is a symbol of my time in Texas as I make my way back home. Who knows.
Hopefully I will train all week for this one and beat my 37:48 personal best time.
Wish me luck!

You dont know Jack about Eve

Post and let me see your answers!

How long have you known me:
Where did we meet:
Do I smoke:
Do I drink:
If so, what my favorite drink:
At the Olive garden what would I order:
What's my favorite food:
What did I want to be when I grew up:
Color of my eyes:
Do I have any siblings:
What's my hobby:
What's my favorite type of music:
What's my favorite movie:
Who is my favorite author:
Name my favorite book:
Where would I like to go on vacation:
What colors are in my closet?
What is the best feature about me:
Any special talents:
What was my mother's nickname for me:
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is one thing that I
would bring:

So Hard to Leave

Why is it so hard to leave
My scripted life waits for me there
A separate piece of me functions faintly
Not whole or happy but a person on auto

Here, I am myself
Alive and brightly colored
Fiery and bold journeys color the tapestry
Full hearted and passionate longings exist

These dual existences drain a soul
Boarding a carriage to another part of my existence
Looking back at what being alive is
I realize why it is so hard to leave...

Texas

A friend of mine asked what it is really like to live in Texas. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of pride in Texas. Maybe its because I come from Massachusetts, but I just don't see what all the hype is about. Hopefully I will be moving back home soon. Until then let me see if I can give you a feeling for the great state.
Texas
It is Hot! Not warm or kind of sunny. Everyday is blazing. Don't turn on the hose and run your hands under it if it has been lying in the sun because it will give you third degree burns, kind of hot.
Thunder storms and tornadoes! Last week I had to leave my office and sit in a room with no windows for 40 minutes because we had a tornado touch down across the street from our building. The thunder is so loud it sets off car alarms and shakes your windows. Lightening strikes are common. We had a man die on a lake a week ago because he did not get off the lake fast enough and lightening hit his fishing rod.
"Turn around don't drown." This saying is repeated over the radio and television each time we have a storm. Rain condenses on the road so much that it will sweep a Dodge Ram pickup off the street. People drown on their street because they got out of their car when it got stuck in the rising water.
Emergency Broadcast SystemThe deafening tone that in MA we often turn down, actually means something in Texas. If you hear that tone you need to get your ass off of any ball field or lake you are on and find some shelter. If not you will end up like the man in the lightening story above.
Texas Shaped Everything. If you are eating a chip shaped like your state, then you must be in Texas. Bathroom sinks, house windows, trash barrels, candy, hair ties, pocketbooks. Whatever it is in Texas, it can be made into the shape of the state.
Words. A shopping cart or carriage is a buggy. A trash barrel is something on the side of your house. The small one under your desk is a basket. "Fixin to" means your about to do something. A "Whoppin" is something you give your child when they misbehave.
FootballHigh school football games are town wide events. Everyone comes to see the game even if they don't have children playing. Coaches can make 80 thousand a year. The teams go to games on tour buses and they don't play on fields near the school. They play in stadiums with booths for the announcers.
Don't get me wrong not everything about Texas is bad. Men are very nice in Texas. They hold doors, tip their hats, call you ma'am or darlin, offer to help you carry your groceries to your car and get things down from top shelves. There is something to be said for a southern gentleman.
Like I said hopefully I will be home for good, very soon! Until then, "Honor the Texas flag; I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas, one and indivisible." Yup they have their own pledge of allegiance too.

Am I That Different?

I am beginning to think that there is something wrong with me. I have always felt different but there are many reasons why. One reason may be, being 4'11" with large breasts, but I manage. Now I am beginning to think I am not at all like other woman. I came to this realization after reading an excerpt from, "A Practical Handbook for the Boyfriend." This book was written by desperate housewives star Felicity Huffman. She has been married for 9 years to William H. Macy. She is obviously happy and maybe deliriously so. The things she advises men to do would drive me crazy but again as I said earlier I am beginning to think there is something wrong with me.

Public Display of Affection – According to Felicity woman are "hungry' for it and men wont do it because it shows their vulnerable side. I don’t think she has ever tried to walk down the mall or drive with someone's arm around her neck. She may not have witnessed two people eating each others face for lunch in line at the grocery store. I am all for passion but I do believe that sometimes a hotel room works better than a 7-11. One thing I do like is to hold someone's hand. It just feels nice.

The Little Things Count – the book advises that if a man buys junior mints and eats them all without asking if you want any, woman feel unloved. I have never felt unloved because my boyfriend would not share his candy. If I wanted candy I would ask him for some. If he said no, I would call him an asshole and buy my own damn candy. Why as woman do we feel that men should read our minds? This makes no sense. We are different in so many ways. I do agree that the little things do count. Putting clothes in the laundry, putting air in my car tire, holding a door now and then, these do count. Not doing them should not make a woman feel unloved.

Your Call is Important to us – According to Felicity you score "major' points by calling her two and three times a day. What??? In my world this makes you a stalker. Don’t call me two or three times a day. Don’t call me every day. Live your life a few days so when we do talk next we will have things to talk about. Are we that insecure that we need to hear our boyfriend's voice two or three times a day? Would we think he was cheating or leaving us if we talked to him two or three times a week? Does felicity work? Oh yes she is an actress. I know in my job if someone called me just to say hey that many times I would never get any work done. Come on am I alone on this one?

Great Boyfriends are Made – Practice makes perfect. I feel that you will be the boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife you should be, when you meet the woman/man you should be with. Loving someone helps make you want to do nice things. Having children has taught me that. Pouring a glass of soda and having to share it each time can be annoying unless you pour enough because you know someone will ask for that sip. I agree that practice makes perfect for both men and woman. I would really not want a guy to pretend to be nice only to end up unhappy. Be who you are. Do what you like to do. If the person your with is happy with those things then you are good together. If they get upset or repulsed each time then maybe it's not right.

She ends with," the secret to a good marriage is to stay a boyfriend." – This I agree with for both men and woman. Too many marriages are unhappy because people are taken forgranted. Everyone likes to know that they make someone else happy. This does not need to be an everyday mantra. Every now and then works great. Who does not like to hear they look or smell nice? We all like to know that we make someone else excited by our presence. As long as it’s the man your with and not the yucky guy at the package store!

So I may be different but when it comes to these things, I am kind of glad.

Me

Check it out! I like the avatar.

http://360.yahoo.com/eve6167

2007

So Christmas is over and the new year is on its way. What will the new year bring? I am on my way to losing the 50lbs I want to loose. I am hoping to be home by June or August the latest. Will 2007 be a good year? Who knows. My hopes are high but according to my friends I am an optimist.