Walking in the Middle

The name for this post came from a trip to Walmart one night last week. I have been very busy and very stressed lately and while driving in the Walmart parking lot I became enraged. A couple was walking in the middle of the parking lot isle. They were talking to each other and seemed to be enjoying their day and did not notice me at all. This just aggrevated me even more. I waited behind them until they noticed I was there and kept right on walking in the middle till they crossed the street. I was hot and I said a few things in my car that were not very nice but thankfully I live in Texas and my windows were up because of the air conditioning. As I got out of my car, part of me wanted to go to them and preach like a mother about respect and not living in a vacume but the better part of me told me to calm down.
This experience did a couple of things for me. One is that it told me I needed to do yoga and slow down. Oviously my life has gotten really complicated if a couple at Walmart could push my buttons. I consider myself a pretty calm person unless the subject is passionate for me then I have a tendecy to get a little expressive. The other thing it did for me was to examine the middle of the road. There have been several times in my life I have walked the middle line in an effort to keep the peace or avoid confrontation.
The one area that I did this the most was with my sister, Michelle. Michelle and I grew up together and she did a lot of protection for me while I grew. We were close in age and if anyone made fun of me, Michelle was there and advised them it was not in their best interest to keep going. She was pretty tough and she tolerated nothing. As we grew we fought like sisters but we loved each other. Then she got sick. She was diagnosed with MS and she went down hill very quickly. She lost her fighting attitude and I felt did little to better her situation. In truth I dont think I saw what she did fight for enough. She became bitter and very angry. She was not only ill but in a horrible marriage and had no support. We grew further apart. I could not stand to visit her because she did nothing but complain and she chain smoked. She used my visits to help her get things she could not get herself and I began to resent them. So I walked the middle of the road. I did not tell her how I felt, instead I stopped visiting. I made excuses on the phone with her to not visit and cut the conversation short. I did not do for my sister what she did for me. I did not fight for her. I vividly remember one day at my Mothers, my phone ringing back to back and I did not answer because I did not want to deal with the next dramatic episiode and in fact I said "its just Michelle." I guess I felt I had forever to be with my sister and in time her attitude would improve and we would once again be the sisters we always were. I should have left the midle of the road and talked with her to try and understand her issues and be the sister I should have been.
Michelle died shortly after having enough courage to divorce her rotten husband. She was camping with her children when she passed away. I found her picture today under my refrigerator while cleaning and it reduced me to tears. It has taught me a valuable lesson and one that I use every day. I would give anything to get a "do over" and be the sister I should have been. Since then I have not walked the middle road with my family becuase I have learned that tomorrow the road could end. You could be stranded at the end of that road crying for the forgiveness you cannot grant yourself.