The Couch

Change is inevitable. At some point in everyone’s life there is change. Your reaction to this change very much determines the course of your remaining life. Some people react to change as if it was nothing more than new scenery. Others react as if their world has fallen apart and they need the glue to make the puzzle pieces fit. I fall somewhere in between.

This past year I made some tough decisions. In the wake of theses decisions I am faced with an overwhelming amount of change. I am going to list the changes in my life because when I did this the other day I was amazed.

• Separated from my husband of 14 years
• Sold my home
• Purchased a new vehicle
• Moved my family from Texas back to MA
• Changed to a more intense job within the same company
• Moved my daughters and myself in with my parents
• Enrolled my daughter and solely paying for her high school education

This list does not represent a year or two. This list began in November of 2007 and has been ongoing for the past 8 months.

During this time frame I have done what I always do best. In my life, my job is to carry on. I have always been the one who just keeps going. I am the real life version of the energizer bunny. In the face of everything, I exist. My daughters know this and rely on me to be there and exist. I insure their existence as well. My husband, although even now separated, knows that I exist and relies on that fact. He knows his children are well cared for and protected. This allows him to not have to “worry about them.” He also knows that I would work three jobs if I had to so they would exist and relies on that as well. My parents, sister, brother and friends all know that I exist. I exist.

Imagine my complete surprise when my mind and body recently began shouting that I need to do more than exist. I began to have these weird attacks where I could not breathe or swallow. My heart would race, my blood pressure would rise, my head would pound, my body would shake and then 20 minutes later I was done and asleep. I had issues eating because each time I ate I thought I would choke and had difficulty swallowing. I could not drive long distances without getting dizzy or start a migraine. My joints ached and I was chronically tired.

WTF? I thought I was dying. My sister passed away at 35 from MS and surely I was next in line. I thought I had this dreaded disease or a brain tumor. I really thought I was dying and began to prepare myself for the worst. I did not tell anyone. I would not tell anyone because that’s just not me. I went to the Dr. We ran tests. We have determined that I am not dying.

I am stressed. I am not joking. I have anxiety and stress. There is such a big part of me that is really pissed off about it all. I am not this person. I exist! God damn it, this is not me.

So begins my journey on “the couch.”