Numb

This past Thursday was my fourth visit on the couch. The first three visits were pretty much getting to know you kind of crap. Geneone of my family and friends. Medical and psycholical history of my family,my husband and his family. That took a while. If either one us had considered our family history before we got married we would have been able to see that our DNA was not something that should be combined. Dont get me wrong I have wonderful daughters but after checking yes on a questionaire fifty times one would begin to wonder.

I was beginning to get a little frustrated on the couch because it seemed to be taking a long time to go over my history and I was a little impatient on getting to where I wanted to discuss certain things. The first being my seperation from my husband, the second being the guilt I have with my sister's death and my third being my fear of being alone for the rest of my life. I wanted to discuss these things and I wanted to tie them up in neat bows and get rid of them.

Not so fast...This last session was the first real "getting to the meat of the matter' session. I decided I dont like it so much. It was very difficult. It was trying, to say the least as I tried to describe my current situation and answered her questions about why. Why is the problem. I dont know why. I dont know why I am assertive with everyone else in my life but I let my seperated husband walk all over me. I dont know why when he says he is going to buy a motorcycle how I could just walk away instead of saying asking him to pay his half of hs daughter's tuition.

Exercise #1 - What would you say to a friend - the couch told me to step out of myself and think what I would say if a good friend told me the same story. What would I say to a friend whose husband has not given her any money for their daughter's tuition but calls and asks me to borrow $2000.00 for a motorcycle. This was good for me because I am opioniated and I know I would be the first one to say that its bullshit.

Exercise #2 - Speaking your mind - This is something that is very hard for me. I have been conditioned to be a pleaser and being nice is something that I am. I find it easier to just let things go rather than fight because it never seems worth the fight to me. I swallow it down and force my opinions and feelings to just go away. I told the couch that it had been so long since I argued with anyone over anything. She called me "numb." She told me I had to begin speaking my mind in a good way and not be concerned about the response of others. She told me I can only contorl my own words and actions I cant control the response of others. She is right and I will try. The only person I have ever been able to be free with in my life about my feelings is my best friend. He has truly seen the best and worst of me.

The final blow came yesterday. My husband and daughter went camping and he asked me to let out the dogs and feed them while they were away. I said yes and went over twice a day for the past 4 days. I went online to find my last resume so I could update it and look for a new job. While online I found a word document where he basically invalidated the one item that I have said soemthing negative to him about recently. He then went on to say that he was not going to "take care of me and my issues." I also found that he has once again stopped taking his medication. So thats it. I'm done. I have been done for about 3 years now and the reality of that fact is here now.