I have always prided myself on being strong and independent. I know that regardless of my surroundings I can take care of myself. I like that about me. I enjoy knowing that I support my family, that I pay for my car, that I can complete a 5k, that I can bake some luscious desserts and that in the end I am still me. ~T~
I dont need anyone to take care of me. If something breaks then I can try and fix it or hire someone who knows how to fix it. I think this has been my greatest strength in my life and also a weakness. The problem comes in when I show others, especially men, that I dont need anyone to take care of me. There is a level of insecurity that lies within some men I meet that comes to the forefront when my independent nature comes out.
The biggest secret that I only allow myself to indulge is that just because I can does not always mean I want to.
So here is a list of some very masculine things that I enjoy being done by men. I would never admit these in public either because I am just a bitch that way.
1)Opening the door - I would never stand in front of a door and wait for it to be opened. I might also open it for a guy but the girl in me likes it when you open it for me.
2)Compliment - I think everyone likes to know when they look good and I am no different. I like to be told when I look nice as long as it is genuine. I like to give compliments as well especially when it comes to the way men smell. Love that!
3)Pumping Gas - I know it could be my car we are using but please do not make me get out and pump the gas while you sit in the car
4)Inspection Sticker - I HATE getting my car inspected. I wait until I get pulled over by the police before I go and have my car inspected. I dont know why but the man that does this for his girlfriend or wife is tops in my book.
5)Christmas/Groceries Shopping - Dont make me do this alone or worse pay for it all by myself. If I do go alone then at least help me wrap the gifts or put the food away when I get back.
6)Be Spontaneous - Not all the time because then it becomes predictable. Send me a picture or a card in the mail. Call to tell me you are thinking of me or pick me up without me knowing and go for a walk in the park. I love to do this too because for me its just the little gestures that mean so much.
7)Know what I like - Order my drink if I go to the bathroom and the waitress comes by. I enjoy coming back and realizing that you focused on a part of me while we were out and used it to make me smile.
8)Indulge my fantasy - This can be fun for all involved!
9)Kiss me/Touch me - Just because it feels good
10)Everything - Every now and then let me know that I make you happy. I am what you want in your life. I dont care how many woman you look at but when you look at me let me know there is no one else who can make you smile the way I can.
Just because I can does not always mean I want to.
~T~
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Numb
This past Thursday was my fourth visit on the couch. The first three visits were pretty much getting to know you kind of crap. Geneone of my family and friends. Medical and psycholical history of my family,my husband and his family. That took a while. If either one us had considered our family history before we got married we would have been able to see that our DNA was not something that should be combined. Dont get me wrong I have wonderful daughters but after checking yes on a questionaire fifty times one would begin to wonder.
I was beginning to get a little frustrated on the couch because it seemed to be taking a long time to go over my history and I was a little impatient on getting to where I wanted to discuss certain things. The first being my seperation from my husband, the second being the guilt I have with my sister's death and my third being my fear of being alone for the rest of my life. I wanted to discuss these things and I wanted to tie them up in neat bows and get rid of them.
Not so fast...This last session was the first real "getting to the meat of the matter' session. I decided I dont like it so much. It was very difficult. It was trying, to say the least as I tried to describe my current situation and answered her questions about why. Why is the problem. I dont know why. I dont know why I am assertive with everyone else in my life but I let my seperated husband walk all over me. I dont know why when he says he is going to buy a motorcycle how I could just walk away instead of saying asking him to pay his half of hs daughter's tuition.
Exercise #1 - What would you say to a friend - the couch told me to step out of myself and think what I would say if a good friend told me the same story. What would I say to a friend whose husband has not given her any money for their daughter's tuition but calls and asks me to borrow $2000.00 for a motorcycle. This was good for me because I am opioniated and I know I would be the first one to say that its bullshit.
Exercise #2 - Speaking your mind - This is something that is very hard for me. I have been conditioned to be a pleaser and being nice is something that I am. I find it easier to just let things go rather than fight because it never seems worth the fight to me. I swallow it down and force my opinions and feelings to just go away. I told the couch that it had been so long since I argued with anyone over anything. She called me "numb." She told me I had to begin speaking my mind in a good way and not be concerned about the response of others. She told me I can only contorl my own words and actions I cant control the response of others. She is right and I will try. The only person I have ever been able to be free with in my life about my feelings is my best friend. He has truly seen the best and worst of me.
The final blow came yesterday. My husband and daughter went camping and he asked me to let out the dogs and feed them while they were away. I said yes and went over twice a day for the past 4 days. I went online to find my last resume so I could update it and look for a new job. While online I found a word document where he basically invalidated the one item that I have said soemthing negative to him about recently. He then went on to say that he was not going to "take care of me and my issues." I also found that he has once again stopped taking his medication. So thats it. I'm done. I have been done for about 3 years now and the reality of that fact is here now.
I was beginning to get a little frustrated on the couch because it seemed to be taking a long time to go over my history and I was a little impatient on getting to where I wanted to discuss certain things. The first being my seperation from my husband, the second being the guilt I have with my sister's death and my third being my fear of being alone for the rest of my life. I wanted to discuss these things and I wanted to tie them up in neat bows and get rid of them.
Not so fast...This last session was the first real "getting to the meat of the matter' session. I decided I dont like it so much. It was very difficult. It was trying, to say the least as I tried to describe my current situation and answered her questions about why. Why is the problem. I dont know why. I dont know why I am assertive with everyone else in my life but I let my seperated husband walk all over me. I dont know why when he says he is going to buy a motorcycle how I could just walk away instead of saying asking him to pay his half of hs daughter's tuition.
Exercise #1 - What would you say to a friend - the couch told me to step out of myself and think what I would say if a good friend told me the same story. What would I say to a friend whose husband has not given her any money for their daughter's tuition but calls and asks me to borrow $2000.00 for a motorcycle. This was good for me because I am opioniated and I know I would be the first one to say that its bullshit.
Exercise #2 - Speaking your mind - This is something that is very hard for me. I have been conditioned to be a pleaser and being nice is something that I am. I find it easier to just let things go rather than fight because it never seems worth the fight to me. I swallow it down and force my opinions and feelings to just go away. I told the couch that it had been so long since I argued with anyone over anything. She called me "numb." She told me I had to begin speaking my mind in a good way and not be concerned about the response of others. She told me I can only contorl my own words and actions I cant control the response of others. She is right and I will try. The only person I have ever been able to be free with in my life about my feelings is my best friend. He has truly seen the best and worst of me.
The final blow came yesterday. My husband and daughter went camping and he asked me to let out the dogs and feed them while they were away. I said yes and went over twice a day for the past 4 days. I went online to find my last resume so I could update it and look for a new job. While online I found a word document where he basically invalidated the one item that I have said soemthing negative to him about recently. He then went on to say that he was not going to "take care of me and my issues." I also found that he has once again stopped taking his medication. So thats it. I'm done. I have been done for about 3 years now and the reality of that fact is here now.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
The Couch
Change is inevitable. At some point in everyone’s life there is change. Your reaction to this change very much determines the course of your remaining life. Some people react to change as if it was nothing more than new scenery. Others react as if their world has fallen apart and they need the glue to make the puzzle pieces fit. I fall somewhere in between.
This past year I made some tough decisions. In the wake of theses decisions I am faced with an overwhelming amount of change. I am going to list the changes in my life because when I did this the other day I was amazed.
• Separated from my husband of 14 years
• Sold my home
• Purchased a new vehicle
• Moved my family from Texas back to MA
• Changed to a more intense job within the same company
• Moved my daughters and myself in with my parents
• Enrolled my daughter and solely paying for her high school education
This list does not represent a year or two. This list began in November of 2007 and has been ongoing for the past 8 months.
During this time frame I have done what I always do best. In my life, my job is to carry on. I have always been the one who just keeps going. I am the real life version of the energizer bunny. In the face of everything, I exist. My daughters know this and rely on me to be there and exist. I insure their existence as well. My husband, although even now separated, knows that I exist and relies on that fact. He knows his children are well cared for and protected. This allows him to not have to “worry about them.” He also knows that I would work three jobs if I had to so they would exist and relies on that as well. My parents, sister, brother and friends all know that I exist. I exist.
Imagine my complete surprise when my mind and body recently began shouting that I need to do more than exist. I began to have these weird attacks where I could not breathe or swallow. My heart would race, my blood pressure would rise, my head would pound, my body would shake and then 20 minutes later I was done and asleep. I had issues eating because each time I ate I thought I would choke and had difficulty swallowing. I could not drive long distances without getting dizzy or start a migraine. My joints ached and I was chronically tired.
WTF? I thought I was dying. My sister passed away at 35 from MS and surely I was next in line. I thought I had this dreaded disease or a brain tumor. I really thought I was dying and began to prepare myself for the worst. I did not tell anyone. I would not tell anyone because that’s just not me. I went to the Dr. We ran tests. We have determined that I am not dying.
I am stressed. I am not joking. I have anxiety and stress. There is such a big part of me that is really pissed off about it all. I am not this person. I exist! God damn it, this is not me.
So begins my journey on “the couch.”
This past year I made some tough decisions. In the wake of theses decisions I am faced with an overwhelming amount of change. I am going to list the changes in my life because when I did this the other day I was amazed.
• Separated from my husband of 14 years
• Sold my home
• Purchased a new vehicle
• Moved my family from Texas back to MA
• Changed to a more intense job within the same company
• Moved my daughters and myself in with my parents
• Enrolled my daughter and solely paying for her high school education
This list does not represent a year or two. This list began in November of 2007 and has been ongoing for the past 8 months.
During this time frame I have done what I always do best. In my life, my job is to carry on. I have always been the one who just keeps going. I am the real life version of the energizer bunny. In the face of everything, I exist. My daughters know this and rely on me to be there and exist. I insure their existence as well. My husband, although even now separated, knows that I exist and relies on that fact. He knows his children are well cared for and protected. This allows him to not have to “worry about them.” He also knows that I would work three jobs if I had to so they would exist and relies on that as well. My parents, sister, brother and friends all know that I exist. I exist.
Imagine my complete surprise when my mind and body recently began shouting that I need to do more than exist. I began to have these weird attacks where I could not breathe or swallow. My heart would race, my blood pressure would rise, my head would pound, my body would shake and then 20 minutes later I was done and asleep. I had issues eating because each time I ate I thought I would choke and had difficulty swallowing. I could not drive long distances without getting dizzy or start a migraine. My joints ached and I was chronically tired.
WTF? I thought I was dying. My sister passed away at 35 from MS and surely I was next in line. I thought I had this dreaded disease or a brain tumor. I really thought I was dying and began to prepare myself for the worst. I did not tell anyone. I would not tell anyone because that’s just not me. I went to the Dr. We ran tests. We have determined that I am not dying.
I am stressed. I am not joking. I have anxiety and stress. There is such a big part of me that is really pissed off about it all. I am not this person. I exist! God damn it, this is not me.
So begins my journey on “the couch.”
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Its Alive
Stole this from Malach, who stole this from Kitty.
What were you doing 10 years ago?
Married for 4 years.
I had two small children under the age of 5.
I was working full time with the same company.
I was superwoman in my down time.
I dressed in leather and chained men to the wall for some side cash.
Name 5 things on today’s ‘to do’ list:
6 conference calls. All an hour long
Arrange lunch with Malach and Piper :)
Pick up camping things at Walmart for my youngest daughter, Morgan who leaves for Maine on Thursday
Work through 142 work emails (no joke)
Drink something when I get home
What snacks do you enjoy:
Chips and queso
Fruit
Wine
Hot Tamales
What would you do if you were a millionaire?:
I would quit my job and collect shells on a tropical beach. I have never been any place tropical for vacation and would like to go.
I would be sure my family and my children are set.
I would hire a trainer and train for a marathon.
I would hire someone I know to do what they do best and get paid for it.
Where have you lived?:
Grew up in Westport.
Married and lived in multiple places in Fall River.
Moved back to Wesport for a bit.
Moved to Texas for 4 years.
Moved back to Westport and now living with Mom.
Life has come full freakin circle.
Looking for my own place now in Westport for my daughters and I
What were you doing 10 years ago?
Married for 4 years.
I had two small children under the age of 5.
I was working full time with the same company.
I was superwoman in my down time.
I dressed in leather and chained men to the wall for some side cash.
Name 5 things on today’s ‘to do’ list:
6 conference calls. All an hour long
Arrange lunch with Malach and Piper :)
Pick up camping things at Walmart for my youngest daughter, Morgan who leaves for Maine on Thursday
Work through 142 work emails (no joke)
Drink something when I get home
What snacks do you enjoy:
Chips and queso
Fruit
Wine
Hot Tamales
What would you do if you were a millionaire?:
I would quit my job and collect shells on a tropical beach. I have never been any place tropical for vacation and would like to go.
I would be sure my family and my children are set.
I would hire a trainer and train for a marathon.
I would hire someone I know to do what they do best and get paid for it.
Where have you lived?:
Grew up in Westport.
Married and lived in multiple places in Fall River.
Moved back to Wesport for a bit.
Moved to Texas for 4 years.
Moved back to Westport and now living with Mom.
Life has come full freakin circle.
Looking for my own place now in Westport for my daughters and I
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