Eve-616

What Am I to You

2008-11-24T23:04:00.015-05:00

What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Vast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I love you when you're blue
Tell me darlin true
What am I to you

Yah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
Never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies

I will you love when you're blue
Tell me darlin true
What am I to you
What am I to you
What am I to you

Is it because I am a Woman?

2008-09-28T19:56:00.004-04:00

I fucking hate being taken advantage of. I fucking hate it! I cant stand it when the situation is already bad enough but some jackass has to try and make some quick cash off of someone else's misfortune. Profiting off of someone else's misery is a crap ass way to make money. So to everyone who sees someone struggling and makes the situation worse because they can and the other person really has no choice, fuck you!

On Friday I was involved in a car accident. Thankfully, I was wearing my seat belt and walked away with some sore body parts and a messed up right knee. My car on the other hand was not so lucky.

Not being prepared to be in an accident was where I apparently went wrong. I did not know the name of the towing company that I wanted to tow my car from the scene. Not able to answer the State Trooper's question regading a towing company, he called a local city company. Two guys came, put my car on a flat bed and give me a ride to a local restaurant to be picked up because I could not wait for my ride on the highway. I asked the guy to bring my car to my house. I am pretty sure it was totaled and saw no reason to have it sit in storage for the next week or so. I also had $100.00 in groceries in the trunk and was hoping to not loose all of them as well. The driver told me "no, we can't do that." He dropped me off when my ride got there and took my car to his shop.

When I got home I called who I should have called for the tow in the first place and asked them to go and get my car and tow it to my house. I headed down to the first tow company to pay for the tow. I called first so they would be aware that another tow company was coming. This is where I got royally bent over and screwed. The bill to tow my car from 195E under Gov Center to Brayton ave...$168.00 Not kidding.

I was charged $90.00 for the police call for the tow. I was also charged because two guys came out versus one, milage, gas and $20.00 for storing my car for all of possibly 30 minutes before the other company arrived. In comparison the other company charged me $45.00 to tow my car from the city to my house in Westport.

I am aware that the insurance company of the party at fault will pay. That is not the point. The point is that you saw someone who was in a crappy situation and made it worse for profit.

You Will be Missed

2008-09-06T00:22:00.007-04:00

Sorry for the melancholy blog but its really for me at this point.

My grandmother passed away a little before 4:00PM today. She was elderly and ill. This was something we were expecting and understand. Still does not make it any easier and for me this has hit me pretty hard.

My grandmother was married to my grandfather who passed away from cancer when she was young. She had a daughter and a son. She had 7 grandchildren and 9 great grand children. The youngest, just turned two.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. Grandma told the nurse the other night that she met, "the most handsome man in the world the other day." She said he told her he was taking her on a long vacation and not to worry.

Hopefully she has found that handsome man, seen my sister and once again be reunited with the love of her life. She did a good job in life. She raised two children who have done great and raised families of their own. We all love and respect our grandmother.

"Tomorrow the sun will rise."

I love you grandma!

The Town Pants

2008-08-31T08:41:00.010-04:00

Newport Irish Festival

Brenna and I went to the Newport Irish Festival yesterday. The rain, humidity and grey skys made it the perfect setting for an Irish party. There were three large tents that held all of the food and mechandise. It was a little expensive but the money raised goes to charity.

Brenna spent a lot of time in the merchandise tent looking for her name. It is the kind of name that you cannot find here at all. She would like a sticker, tee shirt, even a pin that says Brenna. No luck yesterday! She said she thought her name was "too Irish even for this festival."

I did see a tee shirt for The Angry Piper. I would have bought it but he said he was going to be there today. It was black and had a picture of a pint of beer on the front that said, "I like to drink my pint in peace." and on the back, "But you look like you're in need of a good beating, and I'm always willing to help a poor bastard out."

I was drinking Harp all day. Piper will be be happy to know that there was no crappy girl beer there. Harp, Guinness or Smithwicks was what was on tap!

Added some pictures of the day to my MySpace. Tami *Smiley*. If you would like to see more of the day, go have a look.

An airbrush tattoo artist put a shamrock on my left breast. I know I dont need to draw any more attention to them, but what the heck. I was just having fun. He was a little shaky at first but it came out great.

The highlight of the day came when we saw that the band,
The Town Pants, would be playing at 3:00 PM. I already had a few of there songs on my iPod. They were amazing. We stood there in the rain yelling, dancing and watching some very intoxicated people around us enjoy the day as well. I bought all three of their cd's and Brenna got a hoodie. Check out the band. They are great. Songs I really like are, Breakfast with St. Swithin, The Old Landlord, Bottle of Rain, Mr Valentine's Dead, Ships Made of Wood and Whiskey You're the Devil.

Things you should know but probably dont

2008-08-23T07:34:00.002-04:00

I am camping this weekend at Myles Standish. I need to relax in a big way. Life has just gotten a little overwhelming for me this past two weeks. Hopefully I will be able to kick back and relax. I am not a "camper" though so we shall see. I am also going with my sister. I love my sister but we dont always see eye to eye.

Thought I would leave you with these facts:

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T

1. Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp.

3. The dot over the letter 'I' is called a 'tittle'.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to
the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7-UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time hence, multitasking was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver

22. Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink
in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. 'Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. OJ Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and
work in the yard, and they haul her ass off to jail. RIP George!

Because I Can

2008-07-20T21:14:00.003-04:00

I have always prided myself on being strong and independent. I know that regardless of my surroundings I can take care of myself. I like that about me. I enjoy knowing that I support my family, that I pay for my car, that I can complete a 5k, that I can bake some luscious desserts and that in the end I am still me. ~T~

I dont need anyone to take care of me. If something breaks then I can try and fix it or hire someone who knows how to fix it. I think this has been my greatest strength in my life and also a weakness. The problem comes in when I show others, especially men, that I dont need anyone to take care of me. There is a level of insecurity that lies within some men I meet that comes to the forefront when my independent nature comes out.

The biggest secret that I only allow myself to indulge is that just because I can does not always mean I want to.

So here is a list of some very masculine things that I enjoy being done by men. I would never admit these in public either because I am just a bitch that way.

1)Opening the door - I would never stand in front of a door and wait for it to be opened. I might also open it for a guy but the girl in me likes it when you open it for me.
2)Compliment - I think everyone likes to know when they look good and I am no different. I like to be told when I look nice as long as it is genuine. I like to give compliments as well especially when it comes to the way men smell. Love that!
3)Pumping Gas - I know it could be my car we are using but please do not make me get out and pump the gas while you sit in the car
4)Inspection Sticker - I HATE getting my car inspected. I wait until I get pulled over by the police before I go and have my car inspected. I dont know why but the man that does this for his girlfriend or wife is tops in my book.
5)Christmas/Groceries Shopping - Dont make me do this alone or worse pay for it all by myself. If I do go alone then at least help me wrap the gifts or put the food away when I get back.
6)Be Spontaneous - Not all the time because then it becomes predictable. Send me a picture or a card in the mail. Call to tell me you are thinking of me or pick me up without me knowing and go for a walk in the park. I love to do this too because for me its just the little gestures that mean so much.
7)Know what I like - Order my drink if I go to the bathroom and the waitress comes by. I enjoy coming back and realizing that you focused on a part of me while we were out and used it to make me smile.
8)Indulge my fantasy - This can be fun for all involved!
9)Kiss me/Touch me - Just because it feels good
10)Everything - Every now and then let me know that I make you happy. I am what you want in your life. I dont care how many woman you look at but when you look at me let me know there is no one else who can make you smile the way I can.

Just because I can does not always mean I want to.

~T~

Numb

2008-07-06T12:06:00.002-04:00

This past Thursday was my fourth visit on the couch. The first three visits were pretty much getting to know you kind of crap. Geneone of my family and friends. Medical and psycholical history of my family,my husband and his family. That took a while. If either one us had considered our family history before we got married we would have been able to see that our DNA was not something that should be combined. Dont get me wrong I have wonderful daughters but after checking yes on a questionaire fifty times one would begin to wonder.

I was beginning to get a little frustrated on the couch because it seemed to be taking a long time to go over my history and I was a little impatient on getting to where I wanted to discuss certain things. The first being my seperation from my husband, the second being the guilt I have with my sister's death and my third being my fear of being alone for the rest of my life. I wanted to discuss these things and I wanted to tie them up in neat bows and get rid of them.

Not so fast...This last session was the first real "getting to the meat of the matter' session. I decided I dont like it so much. It was very difficult. It was trying, to say the least as I tried to describe my current situation and answered her questions about why. Why is the problem. I dont know why. I dont know why I am assertive with everyone else in my life but I let my seperated husband walk all over me. I dont know why when he says he is going to buy a motorcycle how I could just walk away instead of saying asking him to pay his half of hs daughter's tuition.

Exercise #1 - What would you say to a friend - the couch told me to step out of myself and think what I would say if a good friend told me the same story. What would I say to a friend whose husband has not given her any money for their daughter's tuition but calls and asks me to borrow $2000.00 for a motorcycle. This was good for me because I am opioniated and I know I would be the first one to say that its bullshit.

Exercise #2 - Speaking your mind - This is something that is very hard for me. I have been conditioned to be a pleaser and being nice is something that I am. I find it easier to just let things go rather than fight because it never seems worth the fight to me. I swallow it down and force my opinions and feelings to just go away. I told the couch that it had been so long since I argued with anyone over anything. She called me "numb." She told me I had to begin speaking my mind in a good way and not be concerned about the response of others. She told me I can only contorl my own words and actions I cant control the response of others. She is right and I will try. The only person I have ever been able to be free with in my life about my feelings is my best friend. He has truly seen the best and worst of me.

The final blow came yesterday. My husband and daughter went camping and he asked me to let out the dogs and feed them while they were away. I said yes and went over twice a day for the past 4 days. I went online to find my last resume so I could update it and look for a new job. While online I found a word document where he basically invalidated the one item that I have said soemthing negative to him about recently. He then went on to say that he was not going to "take care of me and my issues." I also found that he has once again stopped taking his medication. So thats it. I'm done. I have been done for about 3 years now and the reality of that fact is here now.

The Couch

2008-07-03T15:20:00.003-04:00

Change is inevitable. At some point in everyone’s life there is change. Your reaction to this change very much determines the course of your remaining life. Some people react to change as if it was nothing more than new scenery. Others react as if their world has fallen apart and they need the glue to make the puzzle pieces fit. I fall somewhere in between.

This past year I made some tough decisions. In the wake of theses decisions I am faced with an overwhelming amount of change. I am going to list the changes in my life because when I did this the other day I was amazed.

• Separated from my husband of 14 years
• Sold my home
• Purchased a new vehicle
• Moved my family from Texas back to MA
• Changed to a more intense job within the same company
• Moved my daughters and myself in with my parents
• Enrolled my daughter and solely paying for her high school education

This list does not represent a year or two. This list began in November of 2007 and has been ongoing for the past 8 months.

During this time frame I have done what I always do best. In my life, my job is to carry on. I have always been the one who just keeps going. I am the real life version of the energizer bunny. In the face of everything, I exist. My daughters know this and rely on me to be there and exist. I insure their existence as well. My husband, although even now separated, knows that I exist and relies on that fact. He knows his children are well cared for and protected. This allows him to not have to “worry about them.” He also knows that I would work three jobs if I had to so they would exist and relies on that as well. My parents, sister, brother and friends all know that I exist. I exist.

Imagine my complete surprise when my mind and body recently began shouting that I need to do more than exist. I began to have these weird attacks where I could not breathe or swallow. My heart would race, my blood pressure would rise, my head would pound, my body would shake and then 20 minutes later I was done and asleep. I had issues eating because each time I ate I thought I would choke and had difficulty swallowing. I could not drive long distances without getting dizzy or start a migraine. My joints ached and I was chronically tired.

WTF? I thought I was dying. My sister passed away at 35 from MS and surely I was next in line. I thought I had this dreaded disease or a brain tumor. I really thought I was dying and began to prepare myself for the worst. I did not tell anyone. I would not tell anyone because that’s just not me. I went to the Dr. We ran tests. We have determined that I am not dying.

I am stressed. I am not joking. I have anxiety and stress. There is such a big part of me that is really pissed off about it all. I am not this person. I exist! God damn it, this is not me.

So begins my journey on “the couch.”

Its Alive

2008-07-01T17:28:00.002-04:00

Stole this from Malach, who stole this from Kitty.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Married for 4 years.
I had two small children under the age of 5.
I was working full time with the same company.
I was superwoman in my down time.
I dressed in leather and chained men to the wall for some side cash.

Name 5 things on today’s ‘to do’ list:
6 conference calls. All an hour long
Arrange lunch with Malach and Piper :)
Pick up camping things at Walmart for my youngest daughter, Morgan who leaves for Maine on Thursday
Work through 142 work emails (no joke)
Drink something when I get home

What snacks do you enjoy:
Chips and queso
Fruit
Wine
Hot Tamales

What would you do if you were a millionaire?:
I would quit my job and collect shells on a tropical beach. I have never been any place tropical for vacation and would like to go.
I would be sure my family and my children are set.
I would hire a trainer and train for a marathon.
I would hire someone I know to do what they do best and get paid for it.

Where have you lived?:
Grew up in Westport.
Married and lived in multiple places in Fall River.
Moved back to Wesport for a bit.
Moved to Texas for 4 years.
Moved back to Westport and now living with Mom.
Life has come full freakin circle.
Looking for my own place now in Westport for my daughters and I

Under Attack

2008-06-23T18:13:00.001-04:00

This thought enters my mind. It is unwarranted and unwanted. It sits on idle waiting for the smallest chance to explode into the forefront of my cognition. Given the green light by mere circumstance it runs over everything in its path, dancing in fancy among the reasonable. Its delights like a child watching fireworks on the sand in my head. It rides unbridled and once loose I, the owner, become the prisoner in this game of wills.

Options lay before me in intricate network firings. Flight or fight. Make the choice. Give in to the lusty smell of the uncontrolled or rage against the intruder until the death of consciousness. Frantically searching for the potent elixir to silence this all too rushed taxi cab driver with the bad English accent. I retreat to the small space in the back seat and collapse.

My life support system rushes adrenaline, my core aches and pounds. I am running a marathon for which I have not trained. My body controls itself with small muscle tremors that leaving me feeling like I‘am standing in a rain storm on top of the North Pole. Nothing comforts the rumble in my senses of the thunder and invasion of the ominous closing clouds. I am tossed in the sea of hysteria as the salt forms around my lips and in my throat. I struggle for sounds and the taste of clean, fresh life sustaining liquid. In the remote parts of my cortex I can hear repeating sounds, “you’re ok.” I can’t hold onto those words and make them mine. I have succumbed and only time can toss me onto realities shore.

Time passes and my breath quiets. The racing, pounding and relentless rush is gone. This thought that interrupted the normal flow of my synapses is tired and retreats to the subconscious underworld in which it dwells. Exhausted, I am done.

Relay For Life

2008-03-22T22:01:00.010-04:00

Each year I participate in two fund raising events. The first one is the Relay For Life. The second one is the Armstrong Challenge. Both of these events help raise money to fight cancer.

Cancer has touched all of our lives in one way or another. We know someone who is battling the disease right now. We know someone who has passed away from cancer. We know muillions of other people the world over battle this disease daily.

I work for these two fund raisers because I beleive in what they do to thelp those with cancer. This year I will be spending the night at a high school track doing the Relay for Life. It is a 24 hour walk to raise awareness and funds for the American Cancer Society.

Please help me reach my goal! Please donate on my personal page and help me battle cancer with the funds needed for research and treatment!

Thank you for your support!
Tami

Murk Moved Me

2008-03-15T16:10:00.005-04:00

It has been a long time since I have been online and even longer since I have written anything. Dont think its quite as long as the Piper has taken off from blogging but pretty close. I have been dealing with some pretty crappy anxiety issues recently. I am trying to overcome them but they have been a test for me.
One night last week I went online and read Dr. Murks blog. If you have not read him, you really should. The post was The Generation of Promises. I like to read Murk because he provokes all kinds of responses. Some people get upset and lash out. Some people agree and add there own thoughts. Most of the time I am just a reader who enjoys what he writes.
This post was different for me though. I wont get all mushy and say that he had this major impact but he really made me think of the way I go about living.
I want to do something good for others. I want to be a better person. Why is there such a want but very little in the way of action? Is it laziness? Is it fear? Is it selfishness?
I have given this some thought and put it in context in my daily life. I watched for a few days the way strangers interact. I was really kind of saddenned by what I saw. There was an accident on 195 the other day and one lane had to merge into the middle lane. No one would let these other cars in line. Why? We were going nowhere at all. What was the harm of letting a car in the line? People were flipping each other off and yelling. No one was going anywhere fast. At the mall I watched three people pass by an elderly woman struggling to open the mall doors with her packages in her hand. I opened the door as she walked out and she smiled and said thank you. It felt good. Small but good.
I am not a cynical person and I really believe that most people try to live in a good way. I think for most people, including myself, it is more lack of attention than anything else. When I get in the mall I hardly notice those around me. I dont smile or make random conversation. I go to work, pick up the kids, make dinner, workout and do it all again the next day. It is routine.
Well thank you Murk for making me see that I am routine. I have decided that I am going to try to be better. I am going to make an impact in even small ways. If I believe in the good of mankind I should contribute to that good as well. Think about it!

I'm Your Private Dancer

2008-01-26T14:51:00.000-05:00

Most people stalk the rich and famous. They will stand in line for hours to see a concert or catch a glimpse of a movie star. As many of you already know, I am not like most people.

I discovered this last weekend that I stalk chefs and bakers. Give me a man who knows what wine goes with the fabulous meal he just prepared and I would be his. If not his forever, at least for four good hours!

I found out the other day that Andrew Shotts, the owner of Garrison Confections, was in Providence. It appears that his shop is in Providence. I was obsessed about going. The shop was very nice and I bought a few really great items. I bought some buttery toffee, 3 flavored chocolates and some chocolate covered gummi bears. The highlight for me was that while I was there, Andrew Shotts came into the shop. I stood there like a teenage girl. Could not say anything except hi. He said hi and disappeared into the back of the shop. Mad highlight of my day.

So if you can bake or cook watch out. I could be stalking you too soon.

Innocent Angel Lady

2008-01-19T10:32:00.000-05:00

New nickname given to me by my friend Jeff. After the week I have had, I gladly took the new nickname. This week I have had more negative interactions with men than ever in my life. Apparently I am trouble with a big capital "T" Which is funny because that is how I sign my emails at the bottom (~T~). Maybe that is where "friend A" got the idea to actually call me that.While venting to poor Jeff, I said I didint understand where it came from because I am a really laid back kind of person. I consider myself pretty easy to get along with. I said, I change the batteries in my halo all the time. Hence the new nickname.

Got stood up today too. Never had that happen to me before so I guess I am lucky. I got asked to breakfast and I was the only one who showed. No call, no response to my call. Oh well it was just breakfast and it was just two old friends catching up. Courtesy might have been nice but it did not happen. Looked damn cute too.

My new theme song. Maybe if I was not so laid back I would have better interactions.

~T~

Calling All Irishmen

2007-12-30T19:35:00.001-05:00

Took my oldest daughter, Brenna, to see P.S. I Love You tonight. This movie, combined with the Piper's travel journal, makes me want to go to Ireland. The scenary was beautiful and the men in this movie complemented the scenary very nicely.
If you are a wussy, hopeless romantic, smushy girl like me, then go see this movie but bring a huge box of tissues. This movie made me ugly cry for the entire two hours. I was going to go to the grocery store after and could not because of how red and swollen my eyes were after the film. The movie is about this woman who loses her husband at the age of 35. They are truly in love and this is easily conveyed in the first ten minutes of the film. Like I said, I am a hopeless romantic so seeing this much romance in ten minutes was enough to make me start cryig. The he dies and she cannot move forward. It was a great chick flick but probably the saddest movie I have seen in a long time.

New Year
I wanted to thank everyone for their love and support in 2007. I am looking forward to 2008.
* I started back at the gym again and feel really good that I am running daily. 5K season is coming up and I cant wait. I am hoping to travel to a few places to compete this year too. Wish me luck!
* I promised my friend Jeff that I would learn how to invest this year. He has been a great help to me with my finances and budget now that Iam out on my own. He is a very smart man and I am grateful that he is willing to help someone who is not very stock market savy. Plus he answers my really stupid questions like, "how do you know that stock has dividends."
* I am booking my trip to Vegas. This is one place I have really wanted to go so I am going this year. I am not sure if I will be going alone or with friends but either way I am set on going. I want to see Cirque and stay at the Bellagio.
* Piper, I will find what makes me happy too and do it! Feel free to kick my butt if I ever get that "oh poor me" on you again.

So far for me that's it for 2008. It will not be an easy year with some of the 'life" stuff I have set before me. I am ready for it though. I realized on the treadmill today that I alone got back home where I wanted to be. Many times while trying I thought I would just give up. It was very hard. My daughters did not want to move, my husband did not want to let go and the journey seemed impossible. I am here now and rebuilding and I will be fine. For a 4'11 wussy, hopeless romantic girl, I am very strong!

Happy New Year!!!!

There's Booze in the Blender

2007-12-17T21:29:00.000-05:00

Soon it will render
That frozen concoction that helps me hang on

Mardi Gras
Not the religious holiday or party in New Orleans but the multiplex night club in Warwick, RI. This is where I found myself last Saturday night. My old friends thought that I might need a night out with the girls, dancing and drinking. As I paid my cover, made my way to the bar and dance floor, I asked myself something. What the hell am I doing here? The dance floor was small and sweaty. The theme of the first club was hip hop and the walls were painted with an aquarium theme. This theme was complete with big plastic sharks circling the perimeter. How fitting! The second club as a country western line dance bar. Oh my god I thought I had left Texas. You are not country because you wear a cowboy hat and live in RI. Just not getting it at all. The next one was a rock bar. The band in the bar sucked so bad that I could not drink them better. Finally, I just drank my watered down beer and danced with my friends. Problem is that you are never just dancing with your friends. You have those sharks circling all the time. They wink, stare, buy you drinks and hope that you will go home with them. Ummm no!

Death
Once again I have been faced with death. I believe that everythng in my life happens for a reason but I am wondering why I death seems to be at my side. Last week I had my own episode and it took me a good week to come to terms with what went on. Last night in the ER, I witnessed the death of a teenager involved in a car accident. My cousin took her infant son to the ER and asked me to go to help. I gladly went and stayed with her to give her a hand. While there they brought in a teenager who died in a car accident. I cannot imagine the grief that family was about to suffer and luckily we were able to leave before they bought the family back to see their child. I will discover what it is that I need to learn from all of this but until then it is freaking me the fuck out.

Happy Birthday Piper
December 18th is the Angry Piper's birthday. Piper and I have been friends for over 20 years. I could not let the day go by without wishing him a Happy Birthday. I raise my glass to you my friend. Happy Birthday! I hope it is a good one.
Remember, "life is full of entree's, dont fill up on bread."

Welcome Home ER Visit

2007-12-10T17:35:00.000-05:00

If you would have asked me last week when I thought I would ever get back to my old place of work, I would not have said soon.
Unfortunately for me fate had another answer in mind.
Last night I went to watch the NE Patriots game at a good friends house.
The game was great to watch, until the 3rd, when the Pats really just ran away with the ball. I had 3 beers, some nachos, chicken wings and hung out for a bit. It was getting close to 8pm and I thought it was about time to call it a night. For those of you with school age kids you know that 8:00pm on a school night is considered late. Long gone are the days of drinking at Frat parties until 3:00am and then heading to Economics first thing in the morning. Just no longer happens. Right before I left the house I made one big mistake.

My friend has been using a new supplement that has worked wonders for her.
She had been talking this drink up all night long. It really works for her and has lowered her cholestorol and improved her overall health. She told me it was made of fruits and berries and it tasted very good. Before walking to my car she handed me a shot class with about 2 ounces of juice in it. I drank it down, commented on its taste and took my kids to the car.

On the way home I turned onto Sodom road. It is not a very well lit or straight road. It is known to test your driving ability with its quick turns on rainy nights. Last night was one of them. My daughters and I were signing Christmas carols and just being silly. When I got to the middle of the street I began to have some after effects of this drink. My heart began to race, I got sweaty and cold. I had a tough time swallowing. I tried to blow it off and keep driving. I stopped at a local store to buy a bottle of water to possibly help with these symptoms. As I approached the door, the owner told me they were closed and I could not get the water. I hopped back in the car and flew about 6 miles to my parents house. Once inside I tried to lay down to see if I could get the symptoms to pass. I told my mother what went on and that I thought I was having a reaction to the drink. She took my blood pressure and my pulse. My BP was 135 over 120 and my pulse was 130. I tried again to rest. No stopping my rapid heartbeat. Feeling like I was going to pass out I asked my mom to call an ambulance. I really felt very ill.

Westport resuce arrived from the Main rd station, in what felt like ten minutes. I am sure it was less. Once inside the ambulance they ran an IV and hooked me up to the blood pressure machine. I started ringing all types of bells during the ride as my blood pressure topped out at 145 over 155. At this time I felt like I was going to pass out for sure. I was hot, dizzy and had the thoughest time swallowing. Once inside the ER they gave me a wonderful little pill that reversed the effects of the little purple drink. It brought my heart rate under control and I was home sometime after midnight. I was warned to avoid caffeine and nicotine as well as any other stimulant. It appears that this little drink contained a lot of berries that are stimulants. Again, I only drank 2 ounces. I felt the effect of this stimulant for the rest of the night. I had episodes for the rest of the evening where my heart raced and then slowed down again. I was very lucky.

Everyone in the ER asked me why I would have just drank the drink. First of all this person giving it to me is a friend and we have been friends for a while. She was not trying to kill me. Secondly, I have never experienced a reaction to any food or drink in my life. I am not an allergy prone person. Not the smartest thing I have ever done and I sure as hell will never do it again. This also means that Red Bull and all energy drinks are out of the line up for me, so said the nice ER doctor. I will listen too. No rush to visit my old place of employment anytime soon

Letter

2007-12-04T19:51:00.001-05:00

Once again I am a slave to the great Malach. Actually I thought this one was pretty cool.

Imagine you could send a letter back in time to yourself, when you were 13 years old, what would you write to yourself?

Tami,
The year is 2007 and I am your 35 year old self. I am writing to give you a little look into your future. Hopefully you will find this information helpful and not blow it off like you do the warnings of others as you age.

Dating - Here are a few names to avoid in the near future. This one you will date because you are competitive. Avoid Louie like the plague. Yes, you will win but you will give him back in a short amount of time. He will take you to a Valentine dance where you will be teased by Dave H about your 'guns" and he will not defend you. You will look very good at this dance and you will keep the dress you wore that night well into your 30's. You will get a compliment that night from Mark. He will walk you to the corner to wait for your Mom for a ride. You will fall in love later in life with Bill. You think this is the one but he is not. You will date him for a while but it will end. Ted is just a jerk and Griffin is way too crazy for you. Trust me on these guys.

School - Whatever you do dont leave college. Even though you are homesick and you want to quit, dont. Transfer to the geek dorm and finish your education. You can be the doctor you always wanted to be and be very good at it. You dont need to commute, because you will never finish. You will have a great job that pays well but it will never be your life's love.

Marriage - Dont rush into this at all. Your true friends will warn you and tell you this is just not the right time. Listen to them. You never admit to them that they were right but they were. You will be married for 14 years and some of them are good. A lot of it is just tough. Not bad, just tough. It will test the person you are. You will be ok in the long run. You leave the marriage in year 14 and you are working really hard to rebuild and be ok. You have some great friends and support and that helps.

Family - Your daughters are great. They are smart and beautiful. They are strong. You are very proud of them. You will have them after your a doctor so dont quit school to get married and have a family. They will wait for you. Tell your sister that you love her and value that friendship. She will not be with you through your whole life and you will regret what you did not say and do. Fix this now because it will be a source of anxiety for you as you grow older. When the phone rings in the yard that summer day and you are with Carol, answer it. This is your greatest regret in your life with her. You will not get another chance.

Friends - You will have many as you age. They will all teach you something about yourself. Keep the ones who play Dungeons and Dragons and tell you to leave because girls are not allowed. They make you laugh and are there for you. You will have them well into your adult life. Tell them how much they mean to you.

Tips:
Dont ask the guy at U Mass if you can eat what he is holding. It is a gold circle condom not a chocolate. Save yourself!
Watch American Werewolf In London in Nantucket. It will scare the crap out of you but will make a great memory.
Dont move to Texas. It is not where you want to be,you will not be happy and it will cost you a fortune to move back. You will move back.
Find better taste in music. Most of the time you listen to crap. HAHAHA
Run! Dont think you need to set records or run marathons to be a runner. Your a runner because you run.
Join the gym. You look great at 35!

The Daily Show

2007-11-10T18:56:00.000-05:00

Regardless of how tired I am, rarely do I miss The Daily Show. I am disappointed when I turn it on and its a repeat. There is no other show that I love to watch as much, except CSI (Las Vegas).

I have come to the conclusion that I have an odd attraction to intelligence. I am the one in the crowd drawn to the professor. I recently found the Six Sigma trainer who came to my work to certify me, very attractive. I have never enjoyed the DMAIC principles more. God I am such a geek! With CSI, its William Petterson who does it for me. The intelligence of his character draws me in and keeps me watching. You all know I have a crush on Mike Rowe and now I add Jon Stewart to that list as well. I watch The Colbert Report too but can turn it off and go to bed just the same.

Why I like The Daily Show:
Cluster Fuck to the White House - No other description fits better
Indecision 2008 - Very true
You Dont Know Dick - Where I learned Dick Cheyney removed his house from Google maps and has a man size safe in his office
Ahmadina Minute - Fun to say
Moments of Zen - Just have to watch them to know what I mean
Back in Black - Lewis Black is just hilarious at times stating the obvious
Aasif Mandvi - He delivers his material as if he truly belives what he is saying
He asked Valerie Plame if her breasts were still covert - Regarding the fact that her book has parts that were redacted by the CIA
George W Bush - So many clips of the stupid things this president says

This one speaks for itself:

Monster's Got Your Back

2007-11-10T00:54:00.000-05:00

Check it out!

Malach Made Me Do it

2007-10-29T22:32:00.000-04:00

I am a geek like this so I will do this post.

1) Name one person who made you laugh last night: My youngest daughter Morgan who can do an uncany impression of me yelling.
2) What were you doing at 8:00AM?: Listening to an irate customer tell me that my assessment of late fees is usery and then listening to the dial tone
3) What were you doing 30 minutes ago?: Frosting one of my new creations. A pumpkin cheesecake pecan torte
4) What happened to you in 2006?: Promoted to management. Decided to return home
5) What was the last thing you said out loud?: You are wearing too much makeup, to my oldest daughter
6) How many beverages did you have today?: I have an issue with anxiety so I have a water bottle with me at all times. I drink a lot all day. I had 5 20oz bottles of water, two diet pepsi lime and 2 glasses of wine
7) What color is your hairbrush?: black
8) What was the last thing you paid for? Sex, oh wait I thought that said got paid for! Just kidding.
9) Where were you last night?: Packing my house and watching the Sox
10) What color is your front door?: Rose and its god ugly. Former owner liked rose
11) Where do you keep your change?: In a old milk bottle on my bureau.
12) What’s the weather like today?: Sunny and 75 degrees
13) What’s the best ice-cream flavor?: Chocolate peanut butter and Dulche de Leche
14) What excites you?: Completing a long run and an intelligent conversation.
15) Do you want to cut your hair?: Yes. My sister is my hair stylists and I only cut it when I go home for a visit
16) Are you over the age of 25?: Yes, but really dont feel my age
17) Do you talk a lot?: No I am more of a listener unless I am excited or nervous.
18) Do you watch the OC?: I second Malach, oh Hell no.
19) Do you know anyone named Steven?: Yes, he is my brother
20) Do you make up your own words?: Of course, I am from MA so a lot of things I say cannot be considered english
21) Are you a jealous person?: No not at all
22) Name a friend whose name starts with the letter “A.”: Dont have one
23) Name a friend whose name starts with the letter “K.”: Keith and Kyle
24) Who’s the first person on your received call list?: Kyle
25) What does the last text message you received say?: I hate stupid people
26) Do you chew on your straw?: No but I chew gum .
27) Do you have curly hair? Only when wet
28) Where’s the next place you are going to go?: Bed and I cant wait
29) Who’s the rudest person in your life?: My sister Carol who always says it like it is
30) What was the last thing you ate?: Spaghetti and meat sauce. I made it for dinner
31) Will you get married in the future?: No, I am currently going through a divorce and dont see myself doing it again, unless...
32) What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the last 2 weeks?: The only movie I have seen is Sidney White and it was not the best
33) Is there anyone you like right now?: Wow thats kind of 5th grade.
34) When was the last time you did the dishes? Just now at 9:30pm after frosting my torte
35) Are you currently depressed?: No I dont get depressed easily
36) Did you cry today?: No
37) Why did you answer and post this?: Malach made me do it
Tag 5 people who would do this post: Sara Sue, Dr Murk, Angry Piper, Angry Veteran

ABC

2007-10-25T09:02:00.000-04:00

Ok so I was not tagged but I thought I would do it anyway. This week for me has been way too overwhelming so I took some time off this morning from work.

A I am Athletic - Played softball in high school and now run 5K's goal to run a half marathon
B Brick House - I live in one in Texas
C Cakes - I love to bake its my favorite hobby. Hope to own my own bakery one day
D Diet Pepsi - Learned as a teenager that their is no other soft drink. Always taste better to me though poured by someone else, intended for someone else but drank by me.
E Evil Genuis - This is my safe word for my dominatrix play. Just kidding its actually the password into my secret lair
F Friends - I only have a few that I have had lasting friendships with and would be sad if they disappeared
G Grow - Wish I would have grown more I am only 4'11"
H Half Pint - Nickname given to me by my mom and still used to this day
I Interesting - How I respond when I dont know what else to say
J Jesuit - Went to a Jesuit high school and college.
K Kootie Queen - Dirty mouth Clean it up
L Las Vegas - Where I promised myself I would go on vacation if I survive the move and other things
M MA - Where I am from and where I am returning to on Nov 23rd
N New - Entering a new phase in my life. Excited and scared to death at the same time
O Oil of Olay - What I rub on my body to keep it young
P NE Patriots - Want to go to a game when I get home
Q Queen - Have their cd in my car and listen to it depending on my mood
R Red Sox - Favorite team of mine Never been to a game.
S Small - What my breasts are not HAHAHA
T TNT, TT, Tamster - TNT is actually my work code for the computer system. Try calling that in to the helpdesk when you have a PC issue All others are nicknames
U Umbrella - You can stand under my umbrella ella ella eh eh
V Vixen - When I become a superhero this will be part of my name
W Workaholic - Thats me to a tee
X Sesame Street - loved the guy who carried the X around and painted it everywhere
Y Yosemite - Would like to visit there too
Z Zeus - If I ever have a son this will be his name ;)

I am a Dork

2007-10-14T21:34:00.000-04:00

Tonight was my oldest daughters first real concert. She has gone into Austin to see Boys Like Girls, The Audition, We the Kings and All Time Low at La Zona Rosa. My youngest daughter decided early on today that because her and I would be alone, we should go and see Sydney White. It was your feel good teen movie with Amanda Bynes. The girl got the guy at the end and everyone lived happily ever after. For a teen movie it was not that bad and parts of it were actually funny. During the movie she becomes friends with 7 guys who live in this house called The Vortex. They are all outsiders who re-enact video games for fun and who have a pet rat called Bilbo. One part that made me laugh was the end where everyone stood up, said something about themselves and proclaimed, "I'am a dork." So here is my salute.

I am a dork
1) I watch CNN even when there are others things on television
2) I love Dirty Jobs and have a secret crush on Mike Rowe
3) I cry at some Hallmark commercials
4) I watch scary parts in movies and television with my hands over my eyes
5) I still go trick or treating, with my girls, of course
6) I sing out loud and have been known to use the phrase, "how sad would it be if only the birds with the most beautiful voices in the forest, sang."
7) I say things like, wicked good, goodness gracious or good lord
8) I firmly believe one of my friends is a super hero who changes in his closet and fights the forces of evil in his spare time
9) I use an excel spreadsheet to keep track of my bills
10) I know the intimate workings of an automated voice response system and if you need to redesign your website I am the girl to ask.
11) I love the family that I was born into and enjoy spending time with them. Most of the time.
12) I have books downloaded to my iPod for long plane trips
13) I read Paradise Lost for fun and almost bought myself a beautiful hard cover addition at Barnes and Nobles last weekend.
14) I cannot eat anything without spilling some part of it on my shirt
15) If you can break it, ruin it, trip over it, fall in it or dent it, I will be the one to do it.

You all have some dorky qualities too.

Live Strong

2007-10-14T21:07:00.000-04:00

I would like to say thank you to everyone who supported me during the 2007 LiveStrong Challenge. It was wonderful! It was in the low 80's on Saturday morning which helped make the day truly beautiful. The girls and I were up at 5:00am to drive the hour to Austin to make the event. Lance was there to wish all the participants a good race and to talk about the legislative propostion for cancer research that is coming up for a vote.
The 5K was all down hill to start and then all up hill to finish. It was a challenge, but very fun. Just like last year I was once again humbled by those around me. Riding in a bike wagon in front of me was a family that had a beautiful picture of their 9 year old son on the back of the wagon. The caption simply read, "In Memory of." The fact that I was there with my oldest daughter, who complained the whole 3 miles that we were going to fast, and my youngest daughter who kept telling me through the whole race that she wore the wrong shoes was no longer important. I had them! I had both of my children there with me. I did not have to look at a picture of them or try and remember what their voice sounds like. I had tears in my eyes as I passed this family and they smiled at us and said, "thank you and live strong." My oldest daughter said, 'wow mom that sucks, doesint it?" She then said 'can we slow down." I smiled at her and said " yes it does and dont be such a wuss."
We finished the event and went to Starbucks for some coffee. We sat and watched others finish for a little while before going home. These are the days when I realize how fortunate I really am. It was great to see so many runners and riders come out for a worthy cause. In the words of the family that I passed on the road, "thank you and live strong!"

Live Strong

2007-10-09T22:11:00.000-04:00

This weekend is my next 5k. I have not run a 5k in a little while but this one is for a very worthy cause. This is the LiveStrong Challenge in Austin. I participated last year and was inspired. There were people running and riding in this race days after they finished chemotherapy. How they had the courage or the strength to participate is beyond me. Some ran in memory of those who they had lost to the fight. Some were older, some were young, some ran for the children they had lost and some for those who were fighting. Some people had a day pass out of the hospital to participate. I am very proud to be part of this challenge again this year. This is the link to my donation page if anyone would like to contribute.

http://austin07.livestrong.org/tamiteixeira

Tag I'm It

2007-10-05T23:44:00.000-04:00

Ok Malach only because you hot! :)

1) Deep voices make me wet. I once wanted to date a Stang high school football player because he had an amazingly deep voice.

2) I have also known the Angry Veteran and Angry Piper for 20 plus years. I have a picture of the Angry Veteran carrying an ice bucket down a hallway during a teen club ski trip.

3) I work as a call center manager for a large company. So please do your best not to ask to speak to a manager because you may be speaking to me.

4) I am 4 foot 11 inches tall and resemble Betty Boop but some people find that attractive.

5) I hate horror movies. Does not matter what movie or how stupid it is, I will not be able to sleep by myself after watching it.

6) I am moving back to New England very soon and can't wait. After three years of living in Texas I cant wait to scrape my windows in the morning.

7) I am a baker at heart. I make the most fantastic chocolate ganache triple layer cake you will ever wrap your tongue around.

My Lobotomy

2007-09-24T09:32:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was the first day of Fall. This is my favorite time of year. I remember taking trips to New Hampshire and renting a small cabin for a couple of days near Franconia notch. I loved the smell the woodstove generated and how crisp the morning air felt when I stepped out on the porch with my first cup of coffee. I loved wrapping myself in a blanket and sitting out there until my toes went a little numb. Today things are very different. It is 94 degrees in Texas. The air is still thick and humid. Went running Saturday and Sunday night and could not even catch a breeze. Just not the same.

I was at Barnes and Nobles on Saturday and came across the new book I am reading. It is called, My Lobotomy, A Memoir. It is written by Howard Dully and Charles Fleming. It is the true story of the life of Howard Dully. When Howard was 12, his step mother convinced his father that Howard's behavior would be better controlled through a lobotomy. A transorbital lobotomy was performed on Howard at the age of twelve by Dr. Walter Freeman. Although a Portuguese physician invented the lobotomy, Dr. Freeman ran with the procedure. His files indicate that he operated on more than 4000 patients with Howard being the youngest at twelve. This is probably one of the most disturbing books I have read in a long time. It is set in the 1950's and 60's when mental health was just not discussed and children were the property of their parents. The story recounts abuse, neglect and corporal punishment that Howard received at the hands of his step mother and father. It illustrates the power that parents have over the welfare of their children. Dr. Freeman met Howard and could not find the issues that his step mother repeatedly complained about, but went ahead with the surgery anyway. A good portion of the book is told by way of memories that his brothers have because he is unable to remember much past the surgery. I am halfway through the book and Howard is just about to be abandoned in an asylum by his ever so loving parents for the next few years of his life. I am disturbed by the book, but cannot put it down. Howard Dully lives today in San Jose California and works as a tour bus driver. He is married. Apparently this book is about triumph of the human spirit to overcome any obstacle. I am hoping to finish it today.

Judge OKs 'Hitler Youth' Buttons to Protest School Uniform Policy - Not sure if anyone saw this news article. I was watching an interview on CNN yesterday with mothers of two of the boys who are wearing these buttons. They are protesting because they put their children in public school and do not feel that they should be subject to school uniforms. One mother stated on CNN that, "the government should not have the right to tell her how to dress her children." Not really sure how I feel about this one. First, I don't think the children wearing the buttons actually understand what the image on the button conveys. I do not agree with a parent using their child as a walking billboard of protest. The children are the ones who are subject to punishment because of the buttons, not their parents who obviously made them. I wore a uniform for most of my childhood and truly grew up wearing it. It made little difference to me. Most of my friends wore uniforms in high school as well. Probably the only time you would see them in a tie to this day. I guess this debate will continue for years to come as more and more school districts try to adopt uniforms.

2007-09-11T17:36:00.000-04:00

Bad day at work today and it just promises to get worse before it gets better. Thankfully I only have 2 and 1/2 more days before I start my mini vacation. I board a plane Tuesday out of Austin at 3pm and wont get back until Wednesday morning. I am looking forward to just relaxing and not thinking about life or work. I am looking at a few houses on Saturday. A little concerned that one of them will be falling down because the price is in the one fiftys and that is unheard of for my home town.

Work
I work in a call center. Everyone at some point has had some interaction with a call center agent. Either you have called your cell phone or credit card company or have received a call from a telemarket company. I work in an inbound environment which just means that people call us because they either want our service or they have a problem. This type of work, believe it or not, is very difficult. You are tied to a desk by a headset for 8 to 10 hours a day. You get scheduled lunches and breaks but other than that you are suppossed to be taking calls. It is one of the few jobs where people cannot get up and pee without other people knowing where you are. These agents do not make a great pay either unless they have done the job for a while. They get yelled at for policies that are not theirs to make. They are the voice of the comapny because you cannot get through to the policy makers in the company. Some are very good at their jobs and should be praised for what they do. Others are bad at their jobs, hate their jobs and these agents need to have their supervisors know they did poorly.

Vacation
I have never taken one. I take mini ones now and then but I have never taken a full vacation some place other than back to my home town. I am looking to take a real vacation this year. I would like to go to Vegas and I would like to go someplace tropical or maybe Europe. I know I wont get to Europe this year but it is a goal of mine. I would love to go to France and Italy.
Next week, New Bedford. :)

A Few Things

2007-09-09T09:23:00.000-04:00

UFC
Last night, Matt Hamill, the UFC wrestler got robed. I could not believe they scored the fight in favor of Bisping. I dont think they were watching the same fight. The only thing I could bring it down too was the home advantage. In my opinion, Hamill dominated the first two rounds. In some parts of the fight he even let Bisping stand back up so he could keep fighting. I still think he has some MMA work to do but I bet we will see a lot more of him soon. His hook stunned a few times last night. Another fighter I liked last night was Marcus Davis, The Irish Hand Grenade. He was very fit and fought a great fight. I will look for him to keep moving up too. My favorite is still George St. Pierre. Cant wait for his next fight.

Trainer
Well I finally did it. Yesterday I hired a personal trainer. I have been doing some cardio for a while now so it is time to add the weight training. It was expensive for 12 sessions but I think it will really help me reach my goal. I will be posting a before picture on my myspace today and a few more each couple of weeks to show my progress. Hopefully by the time I move home in November I will be a little closer. This should also help me in my 5k's. I have been reading that your time improves when you loose weight. With just a year at the gym my stamina and endurance has doubled. That is a good thing. Now I can just keep going and going.

Piper
First part of his journey to Ireland is up. Yeah! How can I live vicariously through him if he does not post. :) Read the post, it is good. He got to meet the Hulk.

Gym
I am going to the gym today for my first session. This should not be too fun. It will be before pictures, measurements and nutrition. I will not be posting my measurements on my myspace. Hope she has a tape measure big enough for the top. :) Wish me luck!

To Do List

2007-09-04T21:56:00.000-04:00

"I really dont mind what happens now and then, as long as you'll be my friend in the end."

I have this fantasy that I have had since I was about 13. When I talk about this fantasy everyone looks at me like I am crazy. It is not that big of a deal. The more I have talked about the more I get that, "Are you fucked up," look from friends. I have wanted to have sex in the rain. You know kind of muddy and literally dirty. I am not sure how this came about anymore but it remains on top of my "to do" list.
People I work with have their own "to do" list. They want to have sex in public, in a bathroom, just not with a senator. Some of them want to have sex at a park, or in the water at a beach or in a plane. Others have different food related fantasies where they want to be the buffet at a table full of men. Others are more into the whipped cream and berries type of thing. None of my friends have any real bondage things on their list. None that they will admit too anyway.
I am rambling. Sorry! I have been working on my myspace lately and have been in photo bucket. It appears that I am not alone with my rainy, muddy fantasy. There are quite a few icons that talk about being in the rain, being naked in the rain, kissing in the rain. I guess it will remain on my "to do" list after all. Along with a few others I will not share yet.

Bored

2007-09-02T18:21:00.000-04:00

"I’ll keep you by my side with my superhuman might."

I am sitting at home and very bored. I was just about to go running when it began to down pour. The weather in Texas has been odd this summer and we have gotten so much rain, my grass is actually green. Last summer the grass was burnt and my monthly electric bill was in the $400's. This month my bill is still $250.00 and the grass is actually growing. I am so glad that we have a long weekend. I need to just rest tomorrow. I do have a kickboxing class from 11 - 12 but that's something I look forward too.
Just got home from shopping earlier. I am coming home in September for a few days and have nothing to wear. I was very happy because I went down another jean size, yes! I am now a 10! I don't think I have been in a 10 since high school. Sadly for me though that even though I went down in jean sizes I could not find any shirts that, in my opinion, looked good. The weight loss has not affected my boobs. Right now the majority of shirts are low cut and v-necked. For most people this is fine but I was born blessed or cursed depending on how you look at it. When I wear a lot of these types of shirts, I look like I am showcasing the girls. Not exactly what I want for my aunts 50th anniversary party in the convent.
My aunt entered the Sister's of Mercy when she was 17 or 18 and she has spent the past 50 years serving God. I was amazed to learn that it has been 50 years. I dont even like driving the same car for 5 years, never mind poverty and chastity for 50 years. I have often wondered how the apple fell so far from the tree.
Well the rain is stopping so hopefully I can run for about 40 minutes.

Committed - Again

2007-08-25T22:18:00.000-04:00

No this is not a new post saying that I have been sent to a facility to rest for a while. I truly could use being committed right now, but that's not what this is about. This is about my commitment again to the gym.

I have a goal to loose 50lbs. This has been a long term goal of mine for quite some time. I am not sure if 50lbs is reasonable for me though. I have never been stick thin. Let's just say my body type may not support my goal. I have been going to the gym consistently for over a year now. I love it. I try and go daily for a 35 min cardio treadmill run. On Saturdays, I take an hour long kickboxing class. Nothing tells me that I am alive more than kicking and punching for sixty minutes.

This is a re-commitment post because last week I said fuck the gym. I came home after work each day, drank a few glasses of wine and lay on my bed watching television. Looking at it this week, I think I was depressed. Things have been tough for me lately and I threw in the towel. I ate crap food all week and on top of that, did not exercise at all. That is until Friday night.

I was driving to opening night for the Texas high school football season, eating fried chicken tenders and French fries dipped in white gravy with a honey butter biscuit. As I dripped white gravy on my thankfully white tee, I said, what the hell are you doing. Why are you letting your life situation right now dictate how you feel and look? I put the food down, parked my car and went into the football stadium. This morning I got up, put on my gym clothes and made my kickboxing class.

I have finally decided to hire a personal trainer, stick with my goal and hopefully by the time I move home in November I will be a little closer. I also looked up when the next 5K was in this area and registered.

Wish me luck.

Signs

2007-08-17T23:00:00.000-04:00

"What I've succumbed to is making me numb."

Do you believe in your astrological sign? Do you read your fortune after you finish your Chinese food?
Me, I read my fortunes and get a good laugh out of ones like, "others will enjoy your generosity." I like the ones that say, "A change is coming your way." I like the idea of something different. Sometimes I wonder why I am not happy in one place doing the same thing for a while. I wonder why I am a restless soul. I am the person who likes to move from one adventure to the next. I like diversity and I enjoy a challenge. Why? Why do I get bored so easily?
A male friend of mine told me it was because I was a Gemini. He told me to look into my zodiac sign and I would have a better understanding of myself. So I did look into my sign and what I found was not surprising.
Gemini- In love the Gemini person tends to be light-hearted, fickle, coolly affectionate, flirtatious, and may occasionally have 'a second string to their bow'. They need to be mentally stimulated in a relationship as well as emotionally and sexually.
The Gemini-born are intellectually inclined, forever probing people and places in search of information. The more information a Gemini collects, the better. Sharing that information later on with those they love is also a lot of fun, for Geminis are supremely interested in developing their relationships.
Is this me? The more I read the more I thought this was me. I love to be around people who can carry on good conversations. I love to discuss and debate issues and current events. I get bored easily in life. Maybe my friend had it right. Who knows...

Question to Ask

2007-08-14T22:46:00.000-04:00

"Ive become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold."

On my recent quick visit home my cousin Jen gave me a book called, "When Things Fall Apart." This book pretty much sums up my life at the moment and she felt I should read it and gain some type of insight or comfort. I began reading the book on my flight home and have gotten halfway through it. I am stuck though on one part and need some insight.

The book is based on Buddist teachings and living in the present. It is very easy to understand except that it talks about giving up hope. That is the part I cant seem to get past in order to understand what I am reading. It says that when we cling to hope, it prevents us from living in the present and moving forward.

I know I have some very intelligent friends and thought maybe some of you had some insight. I am not really into self help books at all and I am trying to give this one a shot. If you have read any Buddist teachings and understand this aspect could you let me know.

Home

2007-08-10T21:42:00.000-04:00

"You never thought you'd be alone, this far down the line."

It has been kind of a rough week for me. I am happy to be going home tomorrow. I have an early flight and will be in Providence by 3:00pm. It is a short trip and as usual there are a lot of things I want to do. I am coming back in September too and for a little bit longer. Hopefully the flight will be good. I am downloading a book to my ipod and bringing one too.
Chat with you soon!

Tag

2007-08-09T20:31:00.000-04:00

So the Piper tagged me and I have been his submissive since I was 12. I must do everything that he commands me to do. So here it goes.

The Rules:
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged and that they should read your blog.5.
8 is a magic number. Not three.

1) When I was a child I collected feathers that came out of my feather pillow and kept them all in a box in my bureau. I did not throw them out because I did not want to hurt their feelings. No joke.

2) I slept in the same bed with my oldest sister for years. Each night before I got into bed she would make me show her my feet so she could be sure they were clean before she let me into bed.

3) Childhood nickname that my mother still calls me today - Half pint. Other nicknames are, T, Tam, Tamster, little one and for the folks at work, TNT.

4) When I drink I get, "friendly!" This is why I only drink around people I can be friendly with without it becoming a big issue. This does not happen with beer because that does not get me intoxicated. This happens with 2 full glasses of my favorite wine.

5) I have always wanted to have sex in the rain on the ground. Not sure why, but I am guessing it's because I am sometimes sappy and watched too much "Say Anything" as a teenager. Same reason I get mushy when I hear, "In Your eyes."

6) I cannot watch any type of horror movie. I will not sleep for weeks. As a teenager I watched American Werewolf in London while in Nantucket and made my travel companion sleep with me that night because i was too afraid.

7) I left a boyfriend at a high school Valentine day dance because a friend of his said, "wow your girlfriend has big guns." Instead of defending me, he agreed. I left the dance, walked down the street and called for a ride.

8) I have big boobs. I have had them since I was 12. See comment above. I like them. I would never get them reduced or changed at all. They look good in my shirts and have helped me get out of a ticket every now and then. I like to bare them on occasion as well. Tel, I will have to show you.

Tagged: All of you have already been tagged so I cannot tag anyone else. I will have to start tagging other random bloggers.

Fair or Unfair

2007-08-04T08:38:00.000-04:00

Last Sunday I was reading the Austin American Statesman and came across an article that was upsetting. The article recounted the number of children in each state that have died from being left in a hot car. The focus of the article was upsetting as it recounted stories told by parents who left their children in their car. It was, to say the least, very sad.
The part of the article that really upset and angered me, was that woman who leave their children in their car to die, were given harsher sentences than men. Here is the article: http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=3424550.
I dont understand why this would be the case. The article seemed to give the impression that a mother leaving a child to die in a hot car is unforgivable while for the father it is tragic. It is a tragedy for everyone.
Do we still have so far to go in equality? Mothers are still seen as the only primary care giver? For a mother to forget or leave her child is seen in judge and jury's eyes to be an act of betrayal. She is the one who cares for that child, how could she do that! Fathers are still seen as having so many things on their minds with work and managing a home life, that this failure is seen as a tragic mistake.
In my opinion both bear the same responsibility. Fathers are stepping up in so many ways in their children's lives. They are no longer sitting by the sidelines but are active participants. This is a good thing. Along with this though comes the same level of responsibility that a mother has daily.

Mr. Lawyer

2007-07-25T21:45:00.000-04:00

I went to a lawyer for the first time yesterday. As I sat in his office I thought to myself, why the hell did I not become a lawyer? Where was I on career day when Mr. Lawyer came in and told me that he can charge $250.00 an hour and can charge in increments of 1/10 an hour. How could I have missed the fact that he can charge for phone calls regarding your case? I must have went to the bathroom when he said that he charges $200.00 an hour for his senior partners, $150.00 an hour for his junior partners and $25.00 for his paralegal. I completely missed out on the fact that each change that he makes to a document can cost an additional $100.00.
Makes me want to go back to school and finish my degree. My luck though, I would pass the bar and then decide to work pro bono for those who need but cannot afford a lawyer.
I guess I am lucky that I have not needed to retain a lawyer until this point in my life. I don’t know how anyone except those with money could afford one.
As I sat in my car after the appointment, stunned by the information I just received, I thought, how does the single mother or father of three, afford a lawyer? How do they pay for these services? I am lucky in a way because I have the money I need to pay for an attorney. What do others do that don’t have the money? Maybe they just "fail to appear."

Bat Run Results

2007-07-15T09:57:00.000-04:00

On Friday, July 13th I completed my 5th 5K of the summer. I participated in the Austin Bat Run. It was a non chip timed race, so I dont have my exact finishing time. It was somewhere around 38 miutes of so. Not fabulous, but it was also a very different course for me to run. This was a trail course. I had to run on dirt, sand and grass. I have only run on pavement courses. Running on grass was ok but the sand really worked my legs and slowed me down. It was also a very hot run. It was a run around Town Lake and after you made a loop to come back you were running directly into the sun. I thought at one point I was going to pass out because of being overheated but I was fine. This race made me very happy to finish. I crossed the line and I felt so good. That is because halfway through my mind was just saying, "stop." It was saying, "your tired, your legs hurt, your stomach is cramping, who cares if you dont finish." Well I care and I kept going. I am a very happy finisher of the race.

5K

2007-07-04T14:51:00.001-04:00

Today, I ran the Freedom 5000 5K in Austin Texas. This was my 4th 5K so far. I ran my personal best with a time of 37:48. Its around a 12:06 minute mile. It is good for me but not quite my goal. I want to get to a 30 minute 5K by the end of this year.
I am running my next 5K on July 13th. This one is a night time 5K in Austin called the Bat Run. Austin has a large colony of bats and the race is set at night so everyone can watch the bats fly out from the Congress Ave bridge by the end of the race. That is why I have considered getting a bat tattoo. It is a symbol of my time in Texas as I make my way back home. Who knows.
Hopefully I will train all week for this one and beat my 37:48 personal best time.
Wish me luck!

You dont know Jack about Eve

2007-07-01T18:57:00.000-04:00

Post and let me see your answers!

How long have you known me:
Where did we meet:
Do I smoke:
Do I drink:
If so, what my favorite drink:
At the Olive garden what would I order:
What's my favorite food:
What did I want to be when I grew up:
Color of my eyes:
Do I have any siblings:
What's my hobby:
What's my favorite type of music:
What's my favorite movie:
Who is my favorite author:
Name my favorite book:
Where would I like to go on vacation:
What colors are in my closet?
What is the best feature about me:
Any special talents:
What was my mother's nickname for me:
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is one thing that I
would bring:

So Hard to Leave

2007-06-19T21:18:00.000-04:00

Why is it so hard to leave
My scripted life waits for me there
A separate piece of me functions faintly
Not whole or happy but a person on auto

Here, I am myself
Alive and brightly colored
Fiery and bold journeys color the tapestry
Full hearted and passionate longings exist

These dual existences drain a soul
Boarding a carriage to another part of my existence
Looking back at what being alive is
I realize why it is so hard to leave...

Texas

2007-06-16T14:00:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine asked what it is really like to live in Texas. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of pride in Texas. Maybe its because I come from Massachusetts, but I just don't see what all the hype is about. Hopefully I will be moving back home soon. Until then let me see if I can give you a feeling for the great state.
Texas
It is Hot! Not warm or kind of sunny. Everyday is blazing. Don't turn on the hose and run your hands under it if it has been lying in the sun because it will give you third degree burns, kind of hot.
Thunder storms and tornadoes! Last week I had to leave my office and sit in a room with no windows for 40 minutes because we had a tornado touch down across the street from our building. The thunder is so loud it sets off car alarms and shakes your windows. Lightening strikes are common. We had a man die on a lake a week ago because he did not get off the lake fast enough and lightening hit his fishing rod.
"Turn around don't drown." This saying is repeated over the radio and television each time we have a storm. Rain condenses on the road so much that it will sweep a Dodge Ram pickup off the street. People drown on their street because they got out of their car when it got stuck in the rising water.
Emergency Broadcast SystemThe deafening tone that in MA we often turn down, actually means something in Texas. If you hear that tone you need to get your ass off of any ball field or lake you are on and find some shelter. If not you will end up like the man in the lightening story above.
Texas Shaped Everything. If you are eating a chip shaped like your state, then you must be in Texas. Bathroom sinks, house windows, trash barrels, candy, hair ties, pocketbooks. Whatever it is in Texas, it can be made into the shape of the state.
Words. A shopping cart or carriage is a buggy. A trash barrel is something on the side of your house. The small one under your desk is a basket. "Fixin to" means your about to do something. A "Whoppin" is something you give your child when they misbehave.
FootballHigh school football games are town wide events. Everyone comes to see the game even if they don't have children playing. Coaches can make 80 thousand a year. The teams go to games on tour buses and they don't play on fields near the school. They play in stadiums with booths for the announcers.
Don't get me wrong not everything about Texas is bad. Men are very nice in Texas. They hold doors, tip their hats, call you ma'am or darlin, offer to help you carry your groceries to your car and get things down from top shelves. There is something to be said for a southern gentleman.
Like I said hopefully I will be home for good, very soon! Until then, "Honor the Texas flag; I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas, one and indivisible." Yup they have their own pledge of allegiance too.

Am I That Different?

2007-02-17T10:03:00.000-05:00

I am beginning to think that there is something wrong with me. I have always felt different but there are many reasons why. One reason may be, being 4'11" with large breasts, but I manage. Now I am beginning to think I am not at all like other woman. I came to this realization after reading an excerpt from, "A Practical Handbook for the Boyfriend." This book was written by desperate housewives star Felicity Huffman. She has been married for 9 years to William H. Macy. She is obviously happy and maybe deliriously so. The things she advises men to do would drive me crazy but again as I said earlier I am beginning to think there is something wrong with me.

Public Display of Affection – According to Felicity woman are "hungry' for it and men wont do it because it shows their vulnerable side. I don’t think she has ever tried to walk down the mall or drive with someone's arm around her neck. She may not have witnessed two people eating each others face for lunch in line at the grocery store. I am all for passion but I do believe that sometimes a hotel room works better than a 7-11. One thing I do like is to hold someone's hand. It just feels nice.

The Little Things Count – the book advises that if a man buys junior mints and eats them all without asking if you want any, woman feel unloved. I have never felt unloved because my boyfriend would not share his candy. If I wanted candy I would ask him for some. If he said no, I would call him an asshole and buy my own damn candy. Why as woman do we feel that men should read our minds? This makes no sense. We are different in so many ways. I do agree that the little things do count. Putting clothes in the laundry, putting air in my car tire, holding a door now and then, these do count. Not doing them should not make a woman feel unloved.

Your Call is Important to us – According to Felicity you score "major' points by calling her two and three times a day. What??? In my world this makes you a stalker. Don’t call me two or three times a day. Don’t call me every day. Live your life a few days so when we do talk next we will have things to talk about. Are we that insecure that we need to hear our boyfriend's voice two or three times a day? Would we think he was cheating or leaving us if we talked to him two or three times a week? Does felicity work? Oh yes she is an actress. I know in my job if someone called me just to say hey that many times I would never get any work done. Come on am I alone on this one?

Great Boyfriends are Made – Practice makes perfect. I feel that you will be the boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife you should be, when you meet the woman/man you should be with. Loving someone helps make you want to do nice things. Having children has taught me that. Pouring a glass of soda and having to share it each time can be annoying unless you pour enough because you know someone will ask for that sip. I agree that practice makes perfect for both men and woman. I would really not want a guy to pretend to be nice only to end up unhappy. Be who you are. Do what you like to do. If the person your with is happy with those things then you are good together. If they get upset or repulsed each time then maybe it's not right.

She ends with," the secret to a good marriage is to stay a boyfriend." – This I agree with for both men and woman. Too many marriages are unhappy because people are taken forgranted. Everyone likes to know that they make someone else happy. This does not need to be an everyday mantra. Every now and then works great. Who does not like to hear they look or smell nice? We all like to know that we make someone else excited by our presence. As long as it’s the man your with and not the yucky guy at the package store!

So I may be different but when it comes to these things, I am kind of glad.

Me

2007-01-01T20:24:00.000-05:00

Check it out! I like the avatar.

http://360.yahoo.com/eve6167

2007

2006-12-28T23:57:00.000-05:00

So Christmas is over and the new year is on its way. What will the new year bring? I am on my way to losing the 50lbs I want to loose. I am hoping to be home by June or August the latest. Will 2007 be a good year? Who knows. My hopes are high but according to my friends I am an optimist.

The Journey

2006-12-03T09:22:00.000-05:00

A poem written by John McLeod states that, "It's the journey that's important, not the getting there!" I have never thought about this same concept more than I have this past weekend. I have come to realize that on my journey lately I dont feel like I am driving my car. I am being driven and I am lost.

This past weekend I attended a Leadership conference for the company where I work. This is a very large Fortune 500 company with a lot of opportunity for growth and promotion. Being there this weekend I met several colleagues who work at their career. I dont mean they work at their job. They work at their career. They network. They go places they know senior management will be and introduce themselves. They talk about their recent success stories and make themselves known. They volunteer to be on committees and boards to not only help others but for some self promotion as well. They work at their career. I dont do this at all. I go to work everyday for long hours and I do a good job. I always thought, in a naive way, that you get noticed and promoted this way. This is really not the case. So the question I found myself asking this weekend was, do I want to make business, my career? If I do then am I willing to work at my career?

The other great love in my life is baking. I love to bake. I am not just a "Mom baker." Someone who bakes cookies for the PTA. Nothing wrong with this baker at all, in fact that is how I got my start. I love to bake rich cakes and tortes. If the recipe looks complicated then I want to try it and change it. I have recently been thinking of opening my own bakery. I would like to leave my job and use my 401K funds to start this business. On my recent business trip I drafted a beginning business plan and began to see what all of this would take to complete. It is a very lofty goal. It will take more money then I have saved and it will take every ounce of my time. Still this is something I think I want to do at some point.

To add more complication, I still would like to move back home. The good thing is I can still stay with the company I work for now and move back home. They have offices all over the United States. I can also move home and find a very busy location for my bakery. I am also in a difficult point in my personal life. My life lacks passion, in all forms. I lead more of an apathetic existence and I dont like it at all. This is not what I thought my personal life would be like 13 years ago. I need to make some changes to find passion in my life again. I know myself well enough to know that without it, I will never be happy.

So, "It's the journey that's important, not the getting there!" I am not sure what I have learned so far on this journey but I am hoping that somewhere a light will shine and let me know that I am headed down the right path. I hope not to be too lost for too long.

All About Eve

2006-10-22T21:14:00.000-04:00

Height: 4'11
Build: Yes, just kidding, Athletic
Eyes: Brown/green
Hair: Dark brown
Hobbies: Reading Running and Baking
Favorite TV Show: CSI, Law and Order SVU and CI and The Daily Show!
Favorite movie: Before Sunset
Favorite teenage book: Brave New World
Favorite story: Paradise Lost
Favorite poet: Shakespeare
Favorite artist: Georgia O'Keefe and Salvador Dali
Favorite saying: Tomorrow the sun will rise
Place I want to visit: France, Italy and Ireland
Vacation spot: Disney (I have never been)
Favorite actor: Nicholas Cage
Scariest movie I have ever seen: Silence of the Lambs
Favorite vegetable: Broccoli
Favorite drink: Diet Pepsi, Kendall Jackson Vintage Reserve Chardonnay
Favorite snack: Chips and queso
Favorite food: Chicken marsala
Food I make best: Chocolate ganache layer cake
Favorite place to sit and think: Horseneck beach
Future goal: To run a half marathon
Where you want to be next year: Massachusetts
Music I listen to: Sting and Evanessence
What I cant get in Texas: Good seafood and good chinese food
Favorite swear: F**k Off
Favorite perfume: Beautiful by Estee Lauder
Favorite piece of jewelery: Bracelet
Best present received: My Grandmother's diamond
Stupidest thing I have done: Pretend my car was broke down to get a date with a cute construction worker. Not getting my degree because I got married.
What I wanted to be when I grew up: A Cardiologist
What I am: Not a Cardiologist. Call Center manager
What I like most about my body: My legs
What I like least: My mid section
My personality: Quiet and serious
Thats me

Can I be a Senator

2006-10-04T20:41:00.000-04:00

Alcohol has been a topic of discussion between my friends lately. It seems that Mark Foley has also been having some of the same discussions. Apparently he is an alcoholic. His alcoholism has caused him to send instant messages and emails to a 16 year old Congressional Page. Alcohol has on occasion caused me to drunk dial an old lover and re-proclaim my feelings, but that about the extent of it. This morning it was also announced that Mr. Foley had been molested as a teenager by a clergyman. This abuse he claims has also contributed to his inappropriate behavior with a 16 year old boy.
I understand that alcohol and abuse can have detrimental effects on a person. I believe that physical, emotional, sexual and mental abuse can lead someone to drink to excess. My concern is that he has come out with an array of reasons why he did what he did. He has not yet come out and said that he did it and what he did was wrong. There is no responsibility. I truly don’t care if he has factors that contributed to his behavior. It does not excuse his actions. It does not make me feel bad for him and wish him well. It angers me.
I am also angry about the fact that he is not treated the same as everyone else. He could have been on Dateline's "To Catch a predator." If he was then he would have been arrested on the spot. The only thing he did not do was send naked pictures of his genitals to this boy and he had not yet set up a meeting. Although he asked for a meeting. When I grow up I would like to be a Senator so that all my transgressions can be overlooked. What it comes down to is that this 52 year old man was wrong. He was in every way wrong. This was not an adult. This was a 16 year old boy. He needs to answer for his actions and be held just as responsible as any other person in this same situation would be held.

Birthday

2006-09-18T16:07:00.000-04:00

My oldest daughter turns 13 tomorrow. I thought I would compile a wish list for her. These are things I hope she accomplihes in her life as well as things I hopes she avoids. 13 is only the beginning of some very tough years. She is very smart and very pretty. She is artistic and moody and likes rock music. I hope that the next few years are fun for her. I hope she makes it through her teenage years with as little pain as possible.

1)Graduate - This should be a given for her but I felt the need to put it out there.
2)Go to college - I am big on education and life long learning.
3)Live on your own - Find out who you are and what you believe.
4)Support yourself - Realizing that you can survive alone is a powerful thing
5)Find a friend - Have one person in life that knows you like no other.
6)Experience passion - Mental, physical, and emotional. Find what excites you and makes you feel alive.
7)Challenge yourself - Never settle and say "its good enough." Push your limit.
8)Be yourself - Dont let others decide who you are. Remember your beliefs.
9)Be strong - Physically, mentally and emotionally. You will be tested
10)Avoid drugs - Life is just hard and this just makes it harder
11)Love - Experience love in all forms. Be open to the oppurtunity to love
12)Validate those in your life - Remember to thank those who love and support you
13)Question authority - Power is not always righteous
14)Walk away - Know when something just wont work, is over or is bad for you.
15)Value yourself - Know that you are wonderful because you are.
16)Read - See the world through others. Relax and enjoy yourself.
17)Do something just for you - This will help keep you happy.

I am sure there are many more I can add. If you have a good one, add it.

To be less poetic I hope she does not marry until she knows herself. I am in my 30's and I think I finally know who I am and I think I just got to this point. I hope she finds the man that she loves completly and who loves her just as much. If she never finds this love, then I hope she never settles for less. I hope she never lets anyone beat or degrade her. I hope she has many experiences in life so she will know what makes her happy. I hope she travels and experiences other cultures and places. I hope no one in her high school class dies. This pain is great. I hope she finds one person who no matter what happens in life will be there for her. I hope she loves that person and realizes when she takes that person forgranted. I hope she knows how much her mother loves her and that no matter what, I am here.

Angry

2006-09-16T10:42:00.000-04:00

Recently I have seen a new side to myself. I am not 100% happy about this side. Last weekend I was, angry. Everyone right now is saying, "so what you were angry." Why make a big deal about being angry. Everyone gets angry. To be honest that really is not true for me. I am not an angry person. I don’t fly off the handle and become irate. I have angry friends. Look at the Piper and Veteran. These are angry men. I am more of a live and let live type of person. Very little affects me. In fact, there has only been one person in my entire life who has every angered me so much that I yelled obscenities at him.
For a while I thought something was wrong with me because I don’t get angry. People around me seemed angry over things I would talk about that really did not upset me, to the same degree they upset everyone else. I began to think that I did not care and that I was just going through the motions of living without feeling anything. This was not the case. In fact I found I really enjoy some things lately that I have tried. I began to realize that I am a pretty even tempered type of person and I am just very tolerant.
Well all that changed last weekend. For the first time in my life I threw something in anger. I picked up a cell phone, not mine, and I threw it down my hall. It hit the far wall and I picked it up and put it back on the bureau. I am not sure why after 30 something years in my life I got angry enough to throw something. I don’t know why and I don’t like it either. I go to the gym daily and I run and swim for an hour. I found that this helps me get rid of stress in my life. This is how I express myself. I don’t throw things in anger.
This has really bothered me. I am not obsessing and I will let it go. I am sure it wont happen again because of the fact that it bothered me. I just have to wonder why.

Friendship

2006-09-16T10:26:00.000-04:00

I have never been a good judge of character. This fact is reinforced in me each time I review the list of men I dated in my life. The list is not long but it is also not a who's who among the worlds greatest minds. I am very lucky for the good friends who I do have that can spot trouble a mile away. They are usually the ones who send up warning flares that this new person I am trying to befriend, is not the person I think they are. Some of my friends have even gone to extreme measures, like freezing me at a beach for hours, drilling into my head reasons why my new friend is not all that great. Iris Murdoch, a novelist, said, "There is no substitute for the comfort supplied by the utterly taken-for-granted relationship."

As I left work on Friday I thought of this saying and how much I missed those in my life who supply that kind of comfort. There are few people in life that we meet, that stay in your life. You meet people who are fun, for the moment. You meet those who help you realize a dream or a help you complete a task. You meet those who make you better than you were before you met them. You meet those who you think are great, only to realize that you have been mistaken. It is a rare moment when you find someone who "fits" with you. Yet this is the type of relationship that is taken for granted most often.

My main "problem" is that I believe that people's intentions are pure. I believe someone when they say that they want to get to know me. I believe the person who says that they like talking to me because I like current events, sports and politics. I don’t see the agenda they hold, when so many other people around me see it clearly. I invest myself and I open up, only to realize in the end that my friends around me were right all along.

Thanks to all of you for shouting loud enough so I could hear. Thanks to those who just said, "don’t do it."

Bob

2006-08-20T10:53:00.000-04:00

My dad, Bob, is a man of very few words. He does not show a lot of emotion and growing up he really let me, be me. I was a good girl. I did not get into trouble and he knew that. He trusted me. The only time he felt he had to give his opinion was when I began dating. My father had three daughters and one very successful son. Sorry Carol!

My sister, Carol, was the oldest. She was thin, blonde and very pretty. She began the dating thing for the girls of the family. My sister, Michelle, was next. She got married soon after she began dating and my father was very upfront about the fact that he did not like her selection. He was always very nice to my sister's husband but you knew he was not thrilled. I was next on the list to date. I was a little different because I was the youngest. I was also a little more endowed then the other girls my age. On top of that the majority of my high school friends were male. I got along better with men. I still do. I guess its because I like sports, I am athletic and I am not always real girly. Well my dad had no problem telling me how he felt about the men in my life. When I look back now it’s a wonder I ever left the house. Here's the break down. For those that might see this I am using initials so not to offend the actual people

TZ – Big football player who told my dad, not knowing he was my dad, that he wanted "a piece of that" before summer was over. We all worked together at a camp and Ted did not know he was talking to my dad. Needless to say that was not a good summer for Ted.
JB – Liked by my Dad. Said he was " a nice boy." He was the mastermind behind some car "decorating" in my teens but all in all a very nice boy. He is also now a really nice man. On of the few men in my life that I can say that about.
PD – Best friend to JB. I was crazy about this guy in my teens. According to my Dad he was "sneaky." So it was always me saying, "Hey dad I am going out with sneaky and nice boy tonight."
BG – Thought I was going to marry this guy. First serious relationship. My dad had no opinion of him. That was not good either. He said he could take him or leave him. He treated me really well and we were together for a while. I could still call and talk to him today.
MB – Liked by my Dad now, not all that liked as a teen. My dad called him "spinner." Not sure why but it had something to do with the fact that his eyes were always half open. Said he was always spinnin in his head. I laugh about this now because I was a pretty naïve teen and I did not know what he meant. I do now. This was the bad boy that for some reason otherwise intelligent woman are drawn too. I could not get enough of MB. He would drop his girlfriend off at home and come and pick me up. We did doughnuts in the snow and stole street signs. He carried me over his shoulder back to his car at Dave's beach, because it was raining. He had seats in his El Camino that spun all the way around. As a teenage girl I thought he just wanted to hang out and be friends. Luckily for me I had another friend, AP, who new differently and saved me from MB. I still see MB and there's a part of me that still lusts after the bad boy
LB – Not liked by my dad at all. Said he was "spoiled." Said he was a nice enough guy but could tell he did not like to get his hands dirty. We broke up on Valentines night at a dance. We broke up because his friend DH said out loud, "wow your girlfriend has big guns." My boyfriends reply was "yeah I know." I looked at him, found MB and left the dance. That’s the only encounter I had with DH and I am pretty happy about that. Part of me loves MB for rescuing me from that night.
AV – Liked by both my mom and Dad. My mom said he would be "very handsome and successful" when he grew up. My Dad said he was a "stand up" kind of guy. As a teenager that was hard to believe because he was such a goofy guy. He made everyone laugh. He was president of the teen club. He was fun and great. Well they were right, today he is handsome and successful. Way to go AV.
AP – Best friend to AV. My best friend too. My dad has always said, "there's something about him." I'm sure that’s not a good phrase. He saved me from MB and has been my best friend for almost twenty years. Trust me when I say it took a lot to save me from MB. I was pretty set on spending some time with him. This is also the only person who I have screamed obscenities at in the rain barefoot in front of his house with his mother watching. I am sure like my dad she has her own opinion of me.

Things I learned in Texas

2006-08-19T10:49:00.000-04:00

I have lived in Texas for 2 years now. There are certain things in Texas that one coming from New England should know ahead of time. Consider this your warning.

1) Don’t drink from a garden hose in Texas. The water coming out of the hose will be Hot. Not just hot but make brewed tea, kind of hot. You will burn your grass, flowers and your mouth. Trust me I know.
2) Carrying Firearms – Texans can carry firearms and it is up to the owner of a store to post signs saying that guns cannot be brought in. True story. A man open fired on his ex wife and son outside of a court house after their divorce hearing. He killed his ex wife, injured his son and others. Another man driving by in his pick up truck (of course) stopped, shot and killed the man with the gun. The man driving the truck was not charged.
3) Pride – Texans have pride. Big pride. They put the star of Texas on their house and in mosaic on their driveway. The wear the Texas flag on shirts and say things like, Long Live Texas. In school they not only say The Pledge of Allegiance to the United States flag they say The Pledge of Allegiance to the flag of Texas. My daughters know it by heart.
4) Religion – The Texans I have met have been very conservative and religious people. They want prayer in schools. In fact, I attended a school committee meeting, where my oldest daughter was getting an award, and before the meeting began we all stood and prayed. What!!!! I was a little shocked. It was not just a general prayer either, it was a God Bless Jimmie and Sue prayer. Everyone there said a great big Amen.
5) Football – Next to Baptist this is the second biggest religion in Texas. High school football stadiums here rival Gillette stadium. The closest high school just installed a hundred thousand dollar press box for their stadium. People buy season tickets for high school games. My daughter is in 8th grade. Her schools football team has been fully outfitted and practicing from the first day of school. She will not have books in her classroom for another week. Do you see a problem!
6) Beauty – Texas woman are beautiful woman. They are very girlie and they dress wonderfully every where they go. They don’t run to Walmart in sweat pants after just getting up. They do their hair, make up and clothes before running to Walmart. Just a heads up for those woman like me who tend to run errands looking like I just rolled out of bed. You will meet your friends mothers and you may be embarrassed that you are not in full mother gear.
7) Men in Texas drive trucks. Big Dodge Ram pick up trucks. Leaving a rodeo one night I heard a woman ask the man she was with where he parked their car. His response was, "next to a truck." Needless to say they wandered around the field aimlessly for twenty minutes weaving in and out of all the trucks there.
8) Texas men are nice and are nice to woman. It took me a little while to get used to this because at first I kind of found it offensive. I have now gotten over that feeling. Men in Texas will carry your groceries to your car even if they don’t know you. They will help you get things from the top shelf in the store if you cant reach. They will call you darling and hon and sweetie. They will open doors and refuse to walk through before you. They say things like yes ma'am if they don’t know you. They will tell random woman how nice they look. They also wear belt buckles that you could harness the suns power with and boots and hats.
9) Jury duty is more serious in Texas. Hello we have the death penalty and in the words of Ron White, "we use it." I had jury duty two weeks ago. Both cases were felony murder cases. I was relieved that I was not chosen Maybe they heard my accent and said, "hell no."
10) George W is liked. That’s all I have to say on this one. Its self explanatory!
11) Phrase:
Fixin To - means that you are going to do something. Example, "I'm fixin to get me some lunch."
Down the road a bit – This could mean and hour or two away
Never wear a cowboys hat unless your prepared to try out the cowboy. I might have messed this one up but I was told this by a close friend as I went to reach for a mans hat to try it on my head. I stopped after that.
Road hard and put away wet – This refers to a horse. Not in my mind but oh well.
12) Sweet Tea. Sweet tea is the official drink of Texas. They also have chips shaped like the state. Bud makes a beer just for Texas and only sells it in Texas. Shiner Bock and Amber Bock. You can get the best Mexican, Tex Mex and barbeque in Texas.

So Come to Texas. Look me up. We can have a Shiner together.

Be Yourself

2006-08-17T20:32:00.000-04:00

I am writing tonight to tell those young and old to be yourself. Live your life on your terms. If you want to dye your hair pink and wear combat boots then do it. If you want to spend your vacation reading, then spend your vacation reading. Do not live your life for someone else. Do not live your life the way you think others want you to live it. Live your life the way you want to live it. If you want a tattoo, get a tattoo. If you want to wear a mini skirt at 33 then do it. Life is way too short for regrets.
I have been faced with this reality in my own life lately. I have been touched by illness and death so much that I have reached this conclusion. Why are we spending the only time we have here doing the things that other people want us to do and being who we are not. For those of you that live life as yourself everyday, I applaud you! I have come across very few people like this and when I do they are usually happy people.
I know people who are gay and are living a straight lifestyle because thats what is expected. They are misreable. They make those around them misreable. I know people who hate their job but do it because it was expected of them. If you hate your job then take some steps to change it. Be happy because you only have one chance to be happy. If you are in an unhappy marriage then take steps to either fix it or move on. It is tough,yet easy to say but it is true. Only we control our own happiness.

A Few Things

2006-07-23T10:22:00.000-04:00

I am very excited that I am coming home again in August. I am coming to pick up my children who have spent the summer with my parents in Mass. This summer break was a little more difficult for me because I missed my kids more this time than last year. They are having a lot of fun and I am glad they are there, rather than spending the summer in house while I worked 10 hour days. This visit is a little bitter sweet for me though because I know it is probably the last visit I will have at home for the year. It is very tough. I was upset the last time I left, but I think this time will be worse for me. I will try not to show it because of the kids but I will be sad. I would like to try and come home for Christmas but I am not sure if it will be a possibility because its expensive.

I have decided about my tattoo. I am going to get it where the bikini line meets my hip. It is going to be the letter T with a bat hanging from it. The T will be feminine and scrolled and the bat will be hanging upside down with closed wings. I decided to scroll and feminize the T because it points to the girly side of me. For those skeptics, I do have a girly side. My husband often times says out loud that I am not girly or feminine at all. This is just not true. I love to dress up, high heels, short skirts, jewelry etc... I like to be feminine. I also like to run, hike, climb rocks, watch ultimate fighting, and play sports. That does not take my feminity away. I consider myself well rounded. Sorry off track. So anyway the T will be for the girl side of me and the bat will symbolize the not so girly side. The fun side. I am hoping to get this done next weekend. I am just trying to find an artist here that is well known. My sister just got another tattoo. I cannot believe it. She got a butterfly on the inside of her right wrist. I guess she is far more fun than I ever knew!

Hippy Hollow - A nude beach in Austin Texas. This beach is a state run and maintained nude beach on Lake Travis. This beach is for gay and straight men and woman. I have gone to this beach a few times since last year. It is the most beautiful spot that I have seen in Texas. The beach is at the bottom of a large rock wall that you have to actually find your way down in order to get to the water. There are stairs but once you get to the first level of rock your on your own. I am writing about it because I am impressed with the woman that I have seen at this beach. They are all shapes and sizes and they truly are out there just enjoying themselves. They dont care if they are stick thin or heavy. They are just out there having fun in the water. These woman are young and old and their confidence is wonderful. I do not go nude at this beach. I go topless. I dont go all nude because as many of you know, I am always losing weight and working out but I am not yet satisfied with my ass. Maybe I will be satisfied one day but not yet. To all these woman who bare it all regardless, good for you! There are also woman there in their 60's who are so fit its incredible. I am not talking about the rich wives who are perfect because they paid for their beauty. I saw a woman last week who was perfect. As she climbed up the rocks to her towel I realized her breasts did not move. They were round and perfect. They were not real but who ever did them did a great job. I am talking about the woman yesterday who had to be sixty or older and looked as if she worked out every day. She looked her age but she inspired me to continue working out. I will not comment on the men at Hippy Hollow. Everyone knows that I am fan and it goes without saying that it makes for an interesting afternoon. All I will say is that men have no fear when they are there. They dont care if they are thin or not, short or tall, long or not. They run, play guitars, climb rocks and float without any concern.

Well that's it for now...

Tattoo

2006-07-09T10:44:00.000-04:00

Well it has been a long time since I have posted anything. Partly because I dont think anyone reads my posts. This time I thought I would give it one more shot.

For a while I have considered getting a tattoo. My concern was where would I get it on my body and what would I like to get. Figuring this will be with me for the rest of my life, I did not just want to run off and get anything slapped on. I wanted to get the tattoo put on my lower back. This was before every woman in America put her tattoo on her lower back. Those I work with refer to lower back tattoos as "targets" or "Whore tags." So to say the least, my lower back is now out of the question.

My sister has a tattoo on her left thigh. She has a very big tattoo on her left thigh of a fairy. It is very pretty but too big for me. She also has a pretty rose tattoo on her ankle in memory of my sister, Michelle, who passed away. We were both going to get the rose, but I did not make the appointment.

There is no pressure on me to get a tattoo, it is just something I have thought about for a while. I am the conservative one in my family so there is no surprise that I dont have one. The surprise came two weeks ago when my mother told me that my ultra conservative, architect, brother had gotten a tattoo. Apparently he got a Black Widow spider on the base of his neck. I was shocked and amused. It kind of makes me feel that my brother has a side to himself that he does not show to many people. I like thinking that Mr. Ultraconservative has some skeletons in his closet.

Now that my brother has one, and I have wanted one, it does make me feel like what am I waiting for. I live in Central Texas and there is a tattoo parlor every 5 feet. I save up to buy almost everything, so why not a tattoo. Well I am not saying for sure that I am going to get one, but I have pretty much decided that if I do get one it will be small and it will be on either my ankle, bikini line or hip.

So here is the chance for my friends to weigh in and tell me what they think. Sould I get a tattoo? If so, where on my body? If so what type? I have considered a bat. I like bats. Something cute but not cartoon like. I like the Bacardi Bat. I have considered the Japanese symbol for my name. My name is Japanese and means perfection (haha). It is two symbols but I would have to make them a lot smaller.
So post a reply and let me know. Maybe the next time you see me I will have a tattoo.

Walking in the Middle

2006-04-29T12:40:00.000-04:00

The name for this post came from a trip to Walmart one night last week. I have been very busy and very stressed lately and while driving in the Walmart parking lot I became enraged. A couple was walking in the middle of the parking lot isle. They were talking to each other and seemed to be enjoying their day and did not notice me at all. This just aggrevated me even more. I waited behind them until they noticed I was there and kept right on walking in the middle till they crossed the street. I was hot and I said a few things in my car that were not very nice but thankfully I live in Texas and my windows were up because of the air conditioning. As I got out of my car, part of me wanted to go to them and preach like a mother about respect and not living in a vacume but the better part of me told me to calm down.
This experience did a couple of things for me. One is that it told me I needed to do yoga and slow down. Oviously my life has gotten really complicated if a couple at Walmart could push my buttons. I consider myself a pretty calm person unless the subject is passionate for me then I have a tendecy to get a little expressive. The other thing it did for me was to examine the middle of the road. There have been several times in my life I have walked the middle line in an effort to keep the peace or avoid confrontation.
The one area that I did this the most was with my sister, Michelle. Michelle and I grew up together and she did a lot of protection for me while I grew. We were close in age and if anyone made fun of me, Michelle was there and advised them it was not in their best interest to keep going. She was pretty tough and she tolerated nothing. As we grew we fought like sisters but we loved each other. Then she got sick. She was diagnosed with MS and she went down hill very quickly. She lost her fighting attitude and I felt did little to better her situation. In truth I dont think I saw what she did fight for enough. She became bitter and very angry. She was not only ill but in a horrible marriage and had no support. We grew further apart. I could not stand to visit her because she did nothing but complain and she chain smoked. She used my visits to help her get things she could not get herself and I began to resent them. So I walked the middle of the road. I did not tell her how I felt, instead I stopped visiting. I made excuses on the phone with her to not visit and cut the conversation short. I did not do for my sister what she did for me. I did not fight for her. I vividly remember one day at my Mothers, my phone ringing back to back and I did not answer because I did not want to deal with the next dramatic episiode and in fact I said "its just Michelle." I guess I felt I had forever to be with my sister and in time her attitude would improve and we would once again be the sisters we always were. I should have left the midle of the road and talked with her to try and understand her issues and be the sister I should have been.
Michelle died shortly after having enough courage to divorce her rotten husband. She was camping with her children when she passed away. I found her picture today under my refrigerator while cleaning and it reduced me to tears. It has taught me a valuable lesson and one that I use every day. I would give anything to get a "do over" and be the sister I should have been. Since then I have not walked the middle road with my family becuase I have learned that tomorrow the road could end. You could be stranded at the end of that road crying for the forgiveness you cannot grant yourself.

Disgusting

2006-04-18T17:39:00.000-04:00

I heard the most disgusting thing today and I have to retell the story. A good friend of mine was shopping last night at the Walmart Super Store. As she was in the pickle isle a couple was debating over which pickles they should buy. She was watching this couple becuase the conversation was getting kind of heated over pickles. As she watched she heard the guy ask the girl if she wanted to try one, to see if she liked them. In her amazement she continued to watch as the guy opened the pickle jar, used his fingers to remove a pickle, hand her the pickle and put the jar back on the shelf. The isle was crowed and a lot of people saw this take place. The woman ate the pickle and then bought the jar.
This is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. Remember to always check the safety seal in case there are a lot more morons like this couple. If you have ever done this please comment and let me know why.
How have we come to the point where someone might think this is acceptable. Are we that self centered that we dont recognize how gross and wrong this is for everyone.
I am intrigued and a little scared.
Yuck!

Rights Dont Exist in Texas

2006-04-03T18:02:00.000-04:00

I think I should rename my blog, "stupid laws passed in Texas." Recently the Texas Alcohol Commission made it legal to arrest people in bars that were intoxicated. They used the Public Intoxication law in order to make the arrests. A bar is a public place so technically your drunk in public. Besides feeling like I am in a Ron White comedy sketch, I think this law is ridiculous. Although I understand the need to stop drunk driving and save lives, they even went so far to arrest patrons of a hotel bar. These individulas were registered guests of the hotel. They were not going to drive.
The bigger question is how can we arrest people for what they "might" do. That is a road I dont want to cross. You could arrest me because I drive fast and I "might" kill someone. You should arrest the mother who allows her child to walk on a pier because they "might" fall off and drown. Do we really want to explore these "mights?"
Lastly this is a quote from the Texas Alcohol Commission, "TABC officials said the sweep concerned saving lives, not individual rights."
Well in that case...

Again Again and Again

2006-03-02T17:27:00.000-05:00

I know its been a while since I posted and I have heard it from everyone about the fact that I have not weighed in on the controversial issues of the day like why did Nick and Jessica split up(yeah right) so here it goes!!
I have again started my diet and quest to be better than what I feel I currently am. I am going to be coming home in June and I am committed to look slamming bye that time. Yes I said slamming, I am a child of the 80's. One of the main reasons behind it is that I truly feel that I can look better than I do currently. I also found myself lusting after the body of this 40 year old woman in Walmart the other day and decided I needed to stop lusting and get going. Hows that picture in everyone's head now.
I have stopped drinking entirely, started eating more veggies and less bread, pretty much no bread, and have once again started to run. I know I have said it before but I love to run. Its the one thing I do that I actually do for me and just me. I can say nothing else about that in my entire life, well except masterbation, but we wont go there.
Anyway, I am hoping this will help me reach my goal weight of 120lbs. I am not sure what I will look like at 120 and I pretty much think I might just fall over forward but I will cross that bridge when I get there. Wish me the best and if you see me in New England in June, take a feel of my rock hard butt!!!
On another note I recently got promoted and moved into my new office. It is very bare and boring which is not my taste but right now I am too busy to decorate. I am not the fluffy girl type so right now I have two softballs on my desk with some candy etc.. Not a charming look for an office but its a little bit of me. As I moved I came across some very old pictures I had stored away of my friends and I from when we were about 12. Oh my God what were we thinking. I am sitting on a couch with my acid wash jeans and my hair sprayed up in some kind of hair do. My friends are wearing similar jeans with oversized sweatshirts and sneakers that really are not laced. Is this really what we wore and what we looked like. It is a little scary!!! For those friends you know who you are I may send you this picture so you can laugh along with me.
Miss Ya

Before I Die

2006-01-05T09:10:00.000-05:00

Who says inspiration cant come from stupidity? Watching a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond I was inspired to write this blogpost today. You may be familiar with the episode but if not, its the one where Raymond is having a midlife crisis and he creates a list of all the things he wants to do before he dies. This is supposed to make goal orientated people feel like they have accomplished something. Cross something off their "to do" list. Well I am not all that goal orientated but I definately have some things I would like to do before I die.
* Attend pastry school - I am an avid baker but I am not all that creative or artistic. I would like to learn how to work with sugar and improve my skills.
* Open my own bakery - This is obviously linked to the first one but I would love to own my own little shop. As a child I made chocolates and sold them at school to my friends. This has always been a love of mine. Nothing big just a few tables, cofee, pastry etc..
* Run a marathon - I love to run but I finding the time is difficult. I would love to train and run a marathon.
* Finish my Bachelor's degree in English - one of my biggest regrets inlife is leaving school and moving home. I would like to finish my degree.
* Corporate law - Finishing my bachelors would allow me to continue on and get my corporate law degree. It fascinates me.
* Take a real vacation - This is something I have never done. I have visited family, I have done mini vacations but I have never had a tropical vacation where i could just sit in the sand and read all day long.
* Visit Ireland, Rome, Paris and London - My honeymoon was going to be in ireland but things came up that prevented me from getting there. I would love to go to Europe and see their culture, cusine, pastry, architecture and beauty.
* Donate substantial money to a charity - So many charities helped my family over the years with my care and I feel its time to give back to help another family in the same situation.
* Have sex outdoors in the rain - kid you not this has been on a list of mine since I was a teenager.
* Save enough money to be a help to my children - I am not saying that I want to give them everything. I dont want to be a burden when I am older. I would also like to have something to give to them to help them on their own way.
* Own a brand new car - This might be a little self indulgent but I would like to own a brand new never been driven car.
* Take my Mom and my sister away - Just the 3 of us getting back to each other and catching up.
* Travel with a friend - Just meet somewhere and do what we want. Hang out, read, see a show, visit a museaum etc.. Nothing important.
* Publish some of my erotic writting - See how I did not call it literature. HAHAHA. I write erotic stories for fun and would love to see one published.
* Pose for a magazine - Ok I know there are a lot of you laughing right now over this one. I am 4'11" and not a magazine poster child. Maybe I just need to make a secret copy of my very own mag to accomplish this one. I just feel I can be sexy sometimes and I would like to document that before I get all old and grey.

Well thats it for now. I am sure this will grow and change. From what I wrote I really seem to want to travel. I did not list, go back to New England as that is not a before I die thing but rather a next year kind of thing.

2006

2005-12-29T11:03:00.000-05:00

Another year is fast approaching and I have decided to make some resolutions this year. Normally I dont make resolutions because to quote a friend, "its all a bunch of crap." This year however is different for me. Recently I spent 9 days with my parents who came to Texas for the first time since I moved here almost 2 years ago. There is nothing that makes you want to change yourself anymore than seeing a mirror image of yourself 30 years from now. So, Resolution #1
Invest time in Me - This is something I dont do well. I dont see a doctor on a regular basis. I dont relax or find ways to reduce stress. I am an extreme workaholic. I will work till all hours. When I am not working I go through my finances, pay bills etc.. My mind never stops. This needs to change. As a salute to myself in 2006 I am purchasing a diamond ring. I have wanted a diamond for some time and now is the time. I recently got promoted and to celebrate this and a new me in 2006, I am making the purchase. This ring will remind me to put myself first sometimes.
Resolution #2
Loose weight. I know this is everyones resolution and it usually lasts for 2 weeks and then poof its gone. Seeing my Mom has made me determined to loose weight. My Mom is not fat but she is everyone's Mom. She is what a Mom is suppossed to look like from all the ads and commercials. This is not the "Mom" I want to be. I am only 4'11" and weight does not look good on me. I have gained weight since coming to Texas because I have been lonely and bored. I am coming home to Wesport in early June and I intended to be 50lbs lighter. I love to run but have not made the time. I asked for a treadmill but never got it so now I need to run again. I dont like to run on the street because of extreme paranoia. I was attacked as a teenager and since then I get nervous when I run alone. Not anymore though I just need to bite the bullet and get it done. I am hoping too that my losing weight will also help reduce the size of my breasts. I recently went online to Fredericks of Hollywood (only store that sells my size) to purchase some new bras for the holidays. Dont laugh! Well they tell you how to measure yourself so that you buy the right size. I followed their instructions 3 times and I was mortified by the size I had to order. Not the back size because that has not changed since I was teenager but I was now an "F" according to them. This was not "Fantastic." This was more of a "Fuck Off." See I dont want to be 50 and hunched over. I also realized somewhere along the way I missed my calling and my ability to make a lot of money!!! HAHAHA. In all seriousness hopefully the weight lose will help and I will be voluptuous but not an F.
Resolution #3
Fix my house so I can sell it! I do not want to stay In Texas and I do not intended to live my life here. In an effort to accomplish this goal I need to sell my house. I really like my home but we tore up the carpeting and said we would paint the front room in an effort to make it our house. One year later I am still looking at concrete floors and no paint. I will be calling a painter within the next few weeks and this house will be in process.
Well I think that about sums it up. Besides becoming a millionaire, having a large amount of plastic surgery done to become the movie star I am inside. I think these are the most realistic resolutions I have ever made in life. Wish me luck!

Christmas List

2005-12-22T00:10:00.000-05:00

A good friend of mine began this list so I thought I would borrow the idea from him. After all imitation is the highest form of flattery.
For Christmas my parents came to Texas. For those of you that know me, you know how close I am to my family and how nice it is to have them with me. Not to mention that my father has fixed almost everything that needed to be fixed in my home so far and he has only been here for 3 days. God I love that guy. Even though he was mean to every guy that walked into my home and almost ruined every date I went on. I love him. He can fix anything. As you grow you realize the best thing you daughter can say about you is that you can protect her from anything and you can fix anything. Nothing but pride!! My mom has bought me everything under the sun and the best thing so far was the new David Grey cd. She also has bought me a new dining room table set and a fire pit for my yard. I am spolied even at my age.
The next thing I would love for Christmas is a diamond. I do not own a diamond even though I have been married going on 13 years. I am not a person who buys things for myself but if I do not get a daimond this Christmas, I am buying one myself. No kidding! It will be to celebrate my promotion! Go me!
The last thing I wish I had for Christmas was a plane ticket to come home. I love New England and I would love to spend the holidays with my cocky ass sister, my quiet brother and my friends. I love you and miss you!
Merry Christmas!

Thanks

2005-11-22T08:41:00.000-05:00

This time of year always causes some people to examine the things in their lives, see what they like and attempt to change what they dont like. I have decided to do the same today by listing what I am truly thankful for, this holiday season.
One of the main things I am thankful for is that I was born in the United States. With the country taking some pretty good and well deserved hits on the war, torture policies, poverty and violence, I am still thankful I was born in the U.S.A. (no singing please) I was born in 1972 with a severe maxocranial facial birth defect. It took 16 surgeries to correct this defect from birth till the age of 13. I traveled to Boston's Children's Hospital multiple times a year and I saw over 5 specialists in the field of reconstructive surgery and related issues. I had stainless steel tubes placed in my ears because my birth defect almost rendered me deaf by the age of 5. I had years of speech therapy so that I could sound like the New Englander that I am today. For all of this today, I have a few scars and suffer an occassional comment from an ignorant stranger. My family was not rich and yet I do not owe anything to the incredible surgeons that made it their job to fix me. My mother did not work during this time because she had to devote so much time to my care and yet we did not loose our home or starve. Organizations like The Lion's Club came forward and helped my family. This would not have been accomplished in another country. I know this for a fact because giving back to those that helped me and a deep desire to help others has caused me to research my birth defect. In the past facing this part of my past was too painful and I shunned away from the topic or others in a similiar situation. Looking into this defect I have learned that although so many advances in science have been made to help harelip and cleft palate children, other parts of our world are left to suffer. Children in third world countries have to rely on the kindness and volunteer spirit of plastic surgeons who make it a point to travel and correct these defects. Some of these children will never be helped. They are considered useless by those around them, the majority have an extreme speech deformity and some cannot eat properly resulting in malnutrition. Organizations such as Smile Train and numerous other govenrment organizations are working to help these children. It costs 300.00 to fix this isue in third world countries. That is all. We spend 300.00 on groceries, flat screen televisions, DVD's etc... I am not preaching today, I just cannot imagine living my life any other way than I live it. People who meet me dont even realize that I have had this birth defect. This has not stood in my way. I was well cared for in every way and for that I am thankful I was born in the U.S.A. If you get the chance to check out the link consider buying some Christmas cards. 100% of the money raised goes to this fight.
I am also thnkful to the parentsthat raised me. My mother gave up a large portion of her young life for my care. I also had children in my 20's and prt of me was very selfish during this time and needed "time for me." My mother had 3 other small children at home and had to devote extreme time to my care. My father worked 2 and sometimes 3 jobs to care for his family. He spent the majority of most weekdays and weekends in the local shops fixing machines and doing odd jobs on the side. I have never known my fathr to be without a job. My mother made it a requirement that all of my siblings care for me at some pont. She said that she never wanted them to be embarrassed of their sister and that by being around them I would develop my speech pattern quicker. She is a very intelligent woman and I admire her courage and strength. I am thankful Iwas born and raised by these wonderful people.
I am thankful for my friends. Especially the ones who put up with my whining and odd sense of humor. I am thanful for those that stopped me from maing mistakes in my life and for those who encouraged me to do more than I was doing. I am thankfu for those who piss me off and cause me to re-xamine a subject I thought I knew and understood. I am thankful for the one who sticks by me and puts up with me and loves me anyway regardless of how many times I drop by unannounced.
I am thankfulfor my siblings and my children. Never in my life did I ever imagine I would love someone as strongly as I love my children. I would give my life for my children. My daughter's always challenge me to see things from different points of view. I love their spirit and their fun. I am thanful for my sister who says it like it is,always. She could care if its going to sting when she says it. If shefeels you need to know then she will tell you. I am thankful for my brother who can take care of everything. I am thankful that I had the chance to see my other sister through her stages in life until her death. I was able to be there with her in her youth, when she threatened to beat up people who teased me,until her illness. I wish I had done more for her in the later part of her life but I am glad she walked with me for the time she did.

Well that is what I am thankful for this holiday season. Be thankful!

New Clothing Line

2005-11-10T09:18:00.000-05:00

If it had a million dollars I would start a new clothing line. Thanks to BNL for the beginning of my blog today! In all seriousness, if I ever strike it rich I am going to have someone design clothes for me and for all woman like me. Woman like me... Who are those woman and how did this idea come to light.
Yesterday, I took a mental health day. I did not go to work because I felt if I did not take the day off I was going to go ballistic and scream possibly cry in my cube all day long. Considering I am the "ice princess" of the department, I thought this would hurt my warm and fuzzy reputation. So with my day off I did what woman do and I went to the mall. Unlike most woman though I went to find presents for everyone else for the holidays and buy myself a white shirt. My white shirt had a huge hole in the left arm. I wore it anyway, but it was a violation of my companies dress code policy, I kid you not, so I went to buy a new one. Standing in the dressing room for the 5th time this revelation came to me. I have a freakishly out of proportion body! I must have because nothing I try on, ever fits. I would post a picture of myself for everyone to see my freakish body but I cant figure out how to add the photo. I am not a techy person either. So my description will hopefully paint this picture.
First of all I am short. I am not small or petit as I am told by others trying to be politically correct, I am short. I am 4'11" short. I wear heels all the time but when it comes to clothes, I am short. I tried on several pants yesterday and they all said, short or petite length and they all still had yards of cloth I would need to remove. So I gave up on pants and said I would just keep wearing my "good ass pants" until they feel apart on their own and I was left naked. My good ass pants are these black pants that I love that make my ass look great. I have sewn the holes in these pants together about 4 times now. This is where I made my mistake. I should have stuck to my ass.
Trying on shirts brought forth a new kind of challenge. Now that you can picture me being short let me tell you where the freakish comes in to play. I am busty. God, I hate that word. Thats a word my fahter would use to describe some woman he saw in the mall. I like to say I am blessed but yesterday it was a curse. I have the ability to stand out ina crowd and often times get the "holy shit" from people walking by me. I dont mind. Most of the time I like being blessed and somtimes I bring attention on my to myself because I wear some shirts that are a little tight or have a V neck. Yesterday was not that kind of day. I tried on size 14 no go. I tried on size 16, no go. I tried on size 18 and this is where I stopped. Now let me say that the only part of the size 14 that did not fit was across the 2nd button. The only part that did not fit on the size 16, was across the second button, and the only part that just barely fits on the size 18 was across the second button. So now I have a white tent that I am wearing but it fits my breasts. So I bought my $48.00, yes $48.00 white shirt and left aggrevated. You see its $48.00 because its a lot of fucking material.
What I cant understand is that with the rise of plastic surgery for breast augmentation rising 80% this year, where are the clothes to fit these freakish Barbies. They have to exist and if not then these woman must all be pole dancers who dont need to wear clothes. See I work in a corporation so clothing is not optional.
So yesterday after talking to myself in a dressing room I considered plastic surgery myself. Reduce them was the battle cry in my head. I walked out and thought about it the rest of the day. So I tabled this thought for now and said maybe someday. Maybe someday after I have stopped running daily and let myself fall apart. Maybe when I am older and I need to have my bras special ordered from some old lady magazine. maybe later but not now.

Oh give me a home

2005-11-09T09:29:00.000-05:00

Oh give me a home that is not filled with religious conservatives who belive that the Bible should run the government. It is now offical and every news station and local paper is carrying this headline. "Texans Back Prop 2." Yeah go Texas. Now you too can be proud that you have joined the 18 other states that have put a ban on gay marriage.
As you can see I am a little disturbed by what has happened in Texas yesterday. With more than 700,000 votes, 77% favored the ban. The local paper goes on to say that "Texas is now like every other state except Massa-chusetts." Before Texans go out and celebrate maybe they should learn how to spell and realize that there is no hyphen in Massachusetts.
Numerous ministers were lined up and cited Bible passages to argue for the ban. Is there not something that says we should not mix church and state? Why is my state telling me how to interpret my religion and why is my religion telling me how my state should be run. Did we not stop this because it opend the door wide to discrimination based on religion.
One of the amendments that passed was a improvement fund for Texas railroads. This amendment stated that Texas land could be taken into eminent domain if the railroad needed to expand in your area and that railroad improvement could be run by creating debt. Apparently Texans care more about who their neighbor is fucking and marrying, then they do about losing their land and home to a railroad company.
The only amendment that passed that I think was a positive step was to deny bail for criminal defendants who have violated their release conditions pending trail. This is great. Why are we giving bail in the first place to someone who has violated a condition of their release? If you violate a condition of your release, you should go straight back to jail, do not pass go and not collect 200.00 dollars.
Well, I guess this is the neon sign in the sky for me. I long to be home where things are a little more liberal and I dont have to worry about my Mayor being my Preacher on Sunday. To all those who voted yes to ban gay marriage I say, "god for you." For me I will stick with "thou shall not judge lest ye be judged," or something to that effect.

Priorities

2005-11-03T09:01:00.000-05:00

Watching television last night my oldest daughter called to me and asked me to come to the computer. This is not a surprise for me because my 12 year old daughter spends most of her free time either reading or being online. The good thing is that she loves to read and spends most of her weekend engrossed in a good book. The bad thing is her room is a pit and she could really care. I guess thats bad for me but for her its a bonus because she gets to lay around and read. She is a very smart child and I truly cant find fault with reading. Even when she is online she spends her time in HotTopic.com deciding on what she wants for Christmas or on Iconator making new icons to share with her friends. All in all she is a great child.
Last night her assignment from one of her classes was to list her top 5 priorities in her life and say why she picked them. I was amazed at what I read. This also caused me to think about a list like that I may have created at 12 and how that list has changed over the years.
My Top 5
1. My Children - Nothing means more to me than my children. They are the center of my life and I do everything I can for them. I hope they grow up and lead happy, responsible lives. I often times need far more patience than I have with them, but I do what I can with what I know.
2. My Health - A lot of you will laugh when you read this because you tell me all the time that I dont take care of myself. That is true and that has begun to really bother me. I have made a committment to do better for me. I run and I eat well but it is not enough and I need to bring the focus back on me. It is going to be hard because I have learned that I am a "pleaser." I like to make others happy and often times it comes at self sacrifice.
3. My Family - This is not only my immediate family but also my extended family. Things at home in Mass are rough right now for a lot of people and I ache because I cant be there to help out. My Mother dedicated most of her life to me to be sure I was well taken care of and not picked on etc... She did everything she could so that I would lead a"normal" life and not let a birth defect defeat my chances. Now I am not there for her and it is hard.
4. My Friends - I have some really good friends and I love them. My experiences with them have shaped who I am today. To my best friend all I can say is that with you I spent some of the best times of my life. You aggrevate the living daylights out of me and most of them time on purpose but with that said, I still love ya. To my new friends, I say thank you because you have made living in Texas more bearable. You have been there for me when I had no one else to turn to here.
5. God - Although I dont practice my religion, which is Catholic, I have a deep faith. I believe in God and I believe that we all have a purpose. I believe everything happens for a reason and that we are here to do our best. I have come to a point in my life that I want to give back and make a difference. I really would like to volunteer in the Austin Children's Hospital. I have given it a lot of thought and I think its time.
Well I thank my daughter for the inspiration for this blog today. Her number 1 on her list was God. I found that odd because she is 12 and she is not a religious person. I also felt good about that too. Did I say I had great kids!!!

John Penry

2005-10-06T08:53:00.000-04:00

If you dont know this name, you're not alone. John Penry is a mentally retarded man who was suppossed to die by lethal injection in the state of Texas. I am writting this not to say that, "yes he should die" or "no he should not die." I am writting to present some information and let you decide for yourself. For background information I am oppossed to the death penalty because it is racially and socioeconomically biased. If on the other hand this was my daughter who was killed I would have some strong feelings that this man should die. Either way, you decide.

John Penry was 18 years old when he killed Pamela Moseley Carpenter. According to court records he waited outside her home to be sure that her husband was not home. He then broke in, raped and stabbbed her with a pair of scissors that she used to try and defend herself. She later died from her injuries. If you read this and think, "wow there is premeditation and execution of the plan," you would be right. You may say this was a brutal and heinous crime and this man needs to be punished. That may be the end of the story for some of you. You may favor executing him tonight.

Another factor that may or may not help your decision is the life of John Penry. He hand an IQ of less than 70, which indicates mental retardation. According to court records he has the netal age of a 7 year old child. He was beaten and tortured daily by his mother who sufferred a nervous breakdown after his birth. He was subject to long periods of isolation and extreme deprivation that has been reported to contribute to his unsocial behavior. At this point, would you execute this man?

Lets look a little further. He was sentenced to a mental institution in Texas at 17 due to arson. He then committed a rape and served two out of a five year sentence. When he was released it is reported that, "his mental impairment might cause agressive acts." He then at 18 raped and killed Pamela Carpentar. Ask yourself should this man die for these crimes.
Who failed John Penry?Did he fail himself because of his retardation? Can we execute his mother for the heinous way she raised this child? Did the state of Txas fail him and the community for releasing a man who they knew was prone to "agressive acts?"

The state of Texas executes its criminals. Should this criminal be executed? 13 states have since passed legislation banning the executions of the mentally retarded.

You decide!

PTD

2005-09-27T17:16:00.000-04:00

I recently traveled back home on business for a week. I had a great time and I really enjoyed myself. I got to see my oldest friend, AngryPiper and I got to talk to the AngryVeteran, whom I have not spoken to in years. It was a good trip. Guys, why so angry? My only complaint was that it was not long enough. Well, maybe it was for my friends who had to see me and put up with me, but oh well. Once in a year wont kill you.
Now that I am back I think I am suffering from PTD (post trip depression). If I had to rename my blog it would be Unhappy Eve. I am in a funk and it is driving me crazy. Now I understand that this happens and for me it happens a bunch because I am the type of person that needs to always be on the go. I need a lot of stimulation. Once I get bored, its all down hill for me. Its the Gemini in me. To be honest I want to jump the next plane home and forget all about my job, responsibilities etc.. but I cant do that because thats not me either.
My friend Jen asked me the other day if I was having a mid life crisis. She asked because I need to buy a new car, mine is slowly dying, and I want a sports car. Not a Mazda or a Porsche but a Hyundai. I had also just told her that I saw this diamond that I was thinking of buying myself. I do not own or have ever owned a diamond. I feel that my time has come. I want a very simple diamond with the birthstones of my daughters on each side. Were not talking about 10,000.00. we are talking 500.00. That is why my friend asked. It was out of my character. I dont do these things.
To combat my funk I have started running again and for the most part stopped drinking. You cant run if you feel rotten from drinking so I thought stopping was a good thing. I am hoping that running will help me get less funky and help me lose some weight. I am also taking Yoga. Hopefully, this will help me breakout of this unhappy mood.
If this does not help and I dont update my blog in a while, dont worry. I have jumped the next plane.

Time To Kill

2005-09-19T17:09:00.000-04:00

Sitting at TGI Friday's in the Atlanta airport a co worker and I began having a pretty meaningless conversation. After spending a week with a co-worker and getting to know all about them, it is pretty difficult to keep the conversation going on day 8 of the trip especially when your both exhausted and dying to get home. Luckily for us, the restaurant had some sugar packets on the table and I picked one up to play with it while waiting for our food. On the back of the sugar packets was my inspiration for this blog. Each sugar packet had a conversation provoking question on the back. Obviously designed by someone on business travel that had exhausted every conversation known to man before me. I was thankful for these packets. I am going to list the questions and my own answers. Feel free to add your own answers as well.
1) What is your dream job? My dream job would be running fundraisers for worthy charities. Wine tastings, concerts, auctions etc... If it was truly a dream I would not work at all but have enough money to do these full time.
2) If you could be any kind of animal what would you be and why? I would be a big cat. They are graceful, beautiful and powerful. All the qualities I would love to possess, just kidding.
3) If you could be a Super Hero which one would you be and why? Oddly enough I would be Cat Woman. Whats not to love about Cat Woman, she is sexy and she has a whip. Need I say more.
4) If you could possess a Super Hero power, which one would it be and why? I would love to read minds and be able to be in more than one place at one time. So mind reading and cloning. Cloning because I am always way to busy with no time to relax and enjoy myself. Mind reading because people never say what they are truly thinking and for once I would love honesty.
5) If you could be with one celebrity for a night of wild sex who would it be? Nicholas Cage, for reasons I will not list here.
6) Whats your favorite sexual position? On top for me.
7) What is one thing that you would not do for $10,000.00 that you would do for a million dollars? This one really stumped me in the airport and I still cannot come up with anything. I am interested to see everyone elses answers.
8) What book are you currently reading? The Rings Of brightest Angels Around Heaven by Rick Moody. It is a a pretty interesting collection of short stories.
9) What is your favorite book or story that you have read? Everyone knows that my favorite book is Brave New World but ranking right up there with it is Dante's Inferno. I want to read a Multitude of Sins next or the Darwin Conspiracy.
10) What is the best present that you have ever given? I love to give gifts but one of my favorites is a key chain I gave to a friend a long time ago. It has become a symbol of enduring friendship to me. Each time I see it, I want to replace it because it is old and the name has worn away but my friend wont let me replace it. Knowing he still has it after all these years is comforting to me.

Greatest Hits

2005-08-16T10:14:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine recently listed his top favorite 50 albums. I could not believe that he actually had 50 albums that he considered great. Knowing that I dont have 50 favorite of anything I considered great, I thought I would create my greatest hits list. Its a combination of bands and singers, movies, shows and books. Maybe if I combine them all together I might get 50.

Music
1) INXS - first band I saw in concert as a screaming pre teen.
2) Duran Duran - ok I again was a teenager and Simon was a all the rage for girls in the 80's
3) They Might Be Giants - the most bizzare lyrics
4) Morrissey - loved to be angry
5) Violent Femmes
6) OMD
7) R.E.M
8) The Cure - the band that probably freaked my Mom out the most by appearance alone
* Groups 3 - 8 were during my alternative rock stage in life. I have never been into bubble gum pop so I guess alternative in the 80's was what was left besides Metal.
9) The Police - great memories of my first girl/boy party listening to this one CD in the basement of a friends house all night.
10) Sting - Just the best. I am a true Sting fan.
11) Kate Bush - Her voice is just amazing.
12) Madonna - So much about her music that I love. I grew up with Madonna. From "Like a Virgin" to "Ray of light." I like her.
13) Dave Matthew's Band - great sex music like Barry White
14) Queen - Nothing can be said about Queen. Who does not know the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody?
15) Harry Connick Jr. - I have about 6 of his cd's. I love his voice and his music
16) Cyndi Lauper - I got very intoxicated one night and ordered her latest CD on QVC. It was "Only you." She was singing old songs and she did a great job. She has an amazing voice that she does not showcase all the time.
17) Aerosmith - Pump. Again in my teeny bopper stage but who does not like, "Love in an Elevator."
18) Billy Idol - To this day I still love this guy. He helped me tap into the naughty side of me that I only show on rare occassions.
19) Billy Joel - Saw him in concert with the love of my life...at the time. Could listen to him for hours.
20) Van Morrisson - My wedding song was "Have I Told you Lately." The only version not the crappy Rod Stewart version. For obvious reason, "Brown Eyed Girl."
21) Jewel - For "Near You Always." Love that song.
22) Live - great angry rock
23) System Of A Down - Again runners music.
24) Alanis Morissette - Show me a woman who des not like her and I will show you Barbie. Something about a woman who says it the way it is that I like. How odd!!!
25) Janet Jackson - Velvet Rope. Truly my dominatrix phase but a great album.
26) Stevie Ray Vaughn - If I leave him out my husband will kill me along with the state of Texas. Plus, "Little Sister" is a great song and he was an outrageous guitar player.
27) Eminem - ok this is my bad girl side. I love Eminem. I love bieng a 30 year old mother of two who drives a mini van and listens to Eminem.
28) Run D.M.C - enough said I grew up in the 80's.
Ok now I'm back
29) House of Pain - What I can say I like Irish guys with Celtic style
30) Kenny G - Dont laugh at this one. I grew up listening to Kenny while a dear friend of mine played the Sax. I had to beg him each time to play for me and I loved it. I guess I am a music slut! (HAHA)
Movies
1) Bridges of Madison County - She should have got out of the damn car and ran. That kind of passion comes around once and not acting is like telling yourself you dont deserve happiness.
2) Ferris Beuller's Day Off - Beuller, Beuller, Anyone, anyone...Come on, a classic
3) Better Off Dead - Everyone that knows me knows that I would throw myself at the feet of John Cusiak just for one night. no but seruiously I love his work.
4) Grosse Point Blank - Same reason as stated above.
5) City of Angels - Nick Cage is a favorite of mine and this movie was just moving. Love the hot shower scene
6) Gattaca - One of my favorite sci-fi movies. Perfect socities, perfect people, loved it!
7) Before Sunrise - Sums up friendship and love and made me cry. I would watch this again.
8) Young Frankenstein - Just too funny to leave out.
9) Mulan - One of the only Disney film where the mother actually is alive through the movie. 2 points there and it showcases the power of one determined girl. Good movie for my girls.
Books
1) Revenge of the Middle Age Woman
2) The Good Wife Strikes Back - I read this because I am the "good" wife and I wanted to see what I do later in life when I go through my mid life crisis.
3) Wifey - Judy Blume wrote this and I grew up reading her books. her adult book is wonderful. It is a very erotic novel and I have read it over and over.
4) Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten - This book was too comercialized but the content was amazing.
5) It was on Fire When I Lay Down on it - Sums up life
6) Maybe (Maybe Not) -
7) Uh - Oh
8) Brave New World - My favorite book of all times.
9) Macbeth - "out damn spot." Lady Macbeth rules!!!
10) French Woman Dont Get Fat - I am french I was obliged to read this one.
Passions
1) Baking - I love to bake and I would love to open my own Patisserie one day
2) Running and working out - What I have to do because I like to bake. Just kidding. I love being strong and running and working out reinforces my own strength
3) Reading - truly a lost art and the downfall of civilization. We need to read to feed the mind.
4) Music - Makes me happy, sad, act silly. Moves my soul

Well that about sums up Eve. Not really but its a good insight into what makes me, me! Besides whats listed above I am a workaholic, stubborn, sometimes silly, independant, loving woman. I can be found watching CSI or Law and Order SVU. I love things that make you stop and think and not just stream into your unconsciousness.

Favorites and Pet Peeves

2005-08-04T09:19:00.000-04:00

I decided I would write this as a follow up to the 18 things about Eve. Work has been very stresful lately so it has been easier for me to recognize the things that piss me off versus the things that I truly enjoy but I will try anyway.
Favorite things:
1) The contrasting personalities of my daughters. I have witten about this before but it is true. Two children, created by the same set of parents, living in the same household, both very different and their own. My oldest daughter is 11 and is moody, has a dry sense of humor and is an incredible perfectionist. She has no tolerance for stupidity and often times can insult someone without their knowledge. My youngest daughter is 10 and is wildly funny in an outward way. She will make faces, stand on her head to get you to laugh. She is a lover and will sit in your lap and tell you she loves you.
2) The beach. Moving to TX I did not realize how much I love the beach. Sitting on a rock for hours discussing lifes challenges as a teenager with friends. The last time I was home I took some rocks back with me. I am sure airport security was saying, "why is this bag so heavy, you got rocks in it." Well actually yes I do.
3) People that know me. Being in a new place I miss being with people who truly know me. I miss the people who can tell me to, shut the fuck up, when I get on a roll or the people who know that saying something stupid when I am trying to be serious will make me laugh. I think people have the different perception of me here because of my work. I am truly a lover and not a fighter but I guess I show my fightin side here more.
4) Laughing. I love to laugh and do fun things. I love to tease and joke around. I love to cause minimal trouble and then sit there looking angelic...
5) Good music. It does not matter what kind as long as its good. Good country, good rock, etc.. One thing I do like is classical music, opera etc.. Its a good way for me to just sit and unind. Everyone is now saying..boring but oh well for you I like it.
6) Reading. I think this is a lost art. Everyone is so busy and is online and connected that we seem to have lost the gift that solitary reading can give to you. I like to be alone and read. For pleasure I read erotica. My girly vice. The majority of times I read things that make me think.
7) Working out. I love to run and work out. I like the stress relief and I like the way my body responds and feels when it is pushed. I like the way it keep my legs from looking like pools of jelly at 33 years old. I wear short skirts and running allows me to keep wearing them.
8) Flowers and a diamond. If you know me, you know I never buy anything for myself. I just dont. I will buy everything for everyone else but I really dont treat myself. So the only two truly girly things I like are flowers and diamonds. I love flowers. In a vase, on the side of the road, delivered for no reason. I just love flowers. I am not talking aboyut 150.00 vase of roses. For my birthday this year my mother shipped me two rose bushes. What a wonderful gift. She knows me well. I never get them and I dont buy them for myself but I love them. The one thing I am determined to buy myself is a diamond. When I got married I was broke and a diamond was not possible. All this time has passed and I have decided that the next raise I get I will buy my diamond. I dont want a big diamond I really want a diamond with my daughter's birthstones on each side. Kind of like a mother's ring but not the tacky yellow gold ones in Sears.
9) Excitement I love getting knots in my stomach, a good thrill ride, a good suspense novel, a great CSI or Law and Order. I love the feeling you get in your stomach and chest when you are looking at someone and you really want to touch or kiss them and dont.
10) Touch. Its underrated today. We have come to a place where putting your hand on someones shoulder is sexual harrassment. I like being touched. Hugged, pushed and shoved playfully. I try to be sure that I hug my kids more. I think as people we need that.

Pet Peeves
1) Not realizing the obvious. You know these people. The ones who go outside in 100 degree heat and say "wow its hot." No shit its hot. You live in TX and its summer. I am sure I have been guilty of it myself too but it really can piss me off.
2) People that yell when thy drive. Is driving from point A to point B so important that you need to yell, swear and get so upset that it can potentially ruin the rest of your day.
3) Control and drama. Live and let live. Why are we bent on how others live their lives and we dont see our own issues. I dont care if your gay or straight. I dont are if your rich or poor. I dont care the car you drive. Let me live. Dont be needy. Dont require that I make you happy. learn that the only person who can make you happy is you.

More to come but if I dont stop now I will be late for work.

Eve

2005-07-29T17:48:00.000-04:00

I ripped this off from a friend of mine who ripped this off someone else. Ahh the saga continues.

15 things you may or may not know about Eve

1) I am 4'11''. I have heard every short joke in the world. I have lived with the nicknames of "shorty," "little one," and my personal favorite "half-pint," given to me by my Mom.

2) I love Ultimate Fighting. I trained with a former Ultimate Fighter for about a year and can now successfully defend myself. I create a distraction and run like hell.

3) I bought my best friend the same Christmas present for 15 years because in high school thats all he wore and I felt you could never have enough. The first 5 years were because he needed them the past 10 have just because I like to fuck with him.

4) I recently moved to Texas and have spent a year trying to figure out what everyone is so damn proud of in this state. I think we were kind of proud in MA, we just did not show it, sing it ot tattoo it.

5) I took figure skating lessons as a child so I could be more graceful. That did not work but I can sure play a mean game of hockey.

6) I dont have a favorite book but I do like to read Philospohy and some Sci- Fi. I like Robert Fulghum and attended a lecture where he spoke at Bridgewater State College. I love Brave New World and even read it as an adult, when it was not required summer reading. I loved Wifey by Judy Blume but thats the girly side of me.

7) I watched American Werewolf in London on Nantucket and made my best friend sleep with me that night because I was too freaked out to sleep alone. I am not a horror movie fan.

8) I have more male friends than I do female friends. Not sure why, I just do.

9) I hit and killed two Doberman Pinchers on my way to PC one day. The next day my friend put two little stickers of dogs on the side of my car with a circle and line through them.

10) I was a good girl growing up. Straight A student, National Honor Society, yearbook staff, varsity softball player (short stop hahaha)

11) I liked to date "bad" guys. The kind of guys your friends warn you about.

12) I am well endowed. I have been since I was 12. Not the easiest thing to grow up with but I have adapted and learn to love them. Plus with the three speeding tickets they have helped me get out of, they cant be all that bad. My friends commonly refer to them as "the twins."

13) I have 2 daughters who I love tremendously and would give my life for. They make me laugh and in this world thats an assett.

14) I love intelligent and funny men. All brawn and no brains, not for me. I am a gemini and I enjoy the battle more so then the victory. I like being challenged and aggrevated. Odd but true.

15) I love to joke and screw with people. Like leaving 17 voicemails for a friend that said the exact same thing in each one. Little things to make the day go by and have some fun

16) I am clumsy. If I hold something valuable I will break it. Not intentionally but I will. Little pewter swords, books, weapons anything that is valuable. If I am at a function and there are "important" people there I will trip them, bump into them or say something stupid in front of them. I once said the new message boards bought by my former company was a waste of money while my director stood behind me. My friend Jen hid in her cube while I tried to explain myself.

16) I know I said 15 but I have one more. I am a touchy feely person. I like to go up to people and put my hand on their arm or wrap my arm around their shoulder. I enjoy being touched too. This will seem odd to some of my friends in Texas because for some reason people think I am a little icy.
Oh well thats me.

Wish List

2005-07-06T17:41:00.000-04:00

I think I can speak for a majority of people when I say that growing up I developed a "wish list" for my life. Some people may say goals or dreams, regardless of the name it was something that you wrote down or mentally made a note of in an effort to guide you in your life. Recently, I was going home and I was going through some old boxes in an effort to find some old pictures to bring home to a friend. I did not find the pictures but I did find my "wish list."
Wish 1 - Be a doctor
For those that know me well you know that everything I did growing up was to accomplish this goal. I took 4 years of math and language so it would look good on my high school transcript. I attended seminars and discussions of philosophy authors in an effort to be able to treat the whole person. I was obsessed and I was a child. Maybe a little too studious! Looking back now I realize that I would have made a good doctor but not a great one. I learned growing up that I get too nervous when I draw blood. I also learn I break out in hives and red blotches when I have an indepth challenging conversation with others. Can you see that in an exam room.
Wish 2 - Get married, have children, own a home
This was a wish that I accomplished early in my life. Looking back now I wonder what was my rush. Some of my friends to this day dont have children and my oldest will be 12. Not that I would trade them for the world because I would not. If you knew my kids you would know what wonderful people they are and will be in their own life. Brenna is so strong willed and forward that she has the ability to make things happen and exact change. Morgan is a lover not a fighter and will nurture those that end up in her life. I have learned that marriage is a challenge and if presented again in my life is not something I would do over. The only reason is that it is the toughest thing I have ever had to be part of in this world. I am not a marriage basher at all but I think people think of it as a fairy tale with your knight and savior and then you realize the only person who can truly save you and make you happy is you. I think that is why divorce is so high because people have their expectations set way to high for something that two humans have to work very hard at doing every day.
My wishes are now changed and I wrote them down again so that in another 10 years I can look back over them and maybe laugh again. One wish I have now is to return to MA and I will be working hard to accomplish this wish. I get back to you in 10 years and let you know how it all worked out!

Woman

2005-07-05T17:14:00.000-04:00

My last post was entitled men so I guess it is only natural for me to comment on a subject I do know and sometimes understand. I say sometimes because on my recent visit home I met up with my sister-in laws for a visit and we got into a pretty heated discussion about pornography. Apparently according to one sister-in law I am not the norm in regards to my opinion about naked woman. Let me clarify I was not discussing naked men because giving the way she objected so stronglyto woman I was not even about to go down the naked man road. Children were also not present during this conversation because although I see nothing wrong with the human body being naked, I do not think my 12 and 9 year old daughters need to be open to it. They will grow up and form their own opinion.
My sister-inlaws see poronography and stripping as evil. Something lower class woman do for money. Ok I understand this opinion and I can say that their is a large portion of woman who strip and pose nude who fall into this category. What I do not like is the fact that they would not even consider other viewpoints.
I went to a private Jesuit College and it was right near a famous strip club. The Foxy Lady for my MA and RI friends. The girls in my dorm were not poor, they did not have drug problems, they did not have an evil pimp pushing them for cash. They danced naked because they could make 1200.00 in a night. Some of them were putting themselves through college, some of them like expensive things that Mom and Dad would not pay for any longer. These were not Lifetime movie woman whose life story would make you break out a box of tissues. These were smart and beautiful woman who knew that they could get a man to fork over 25.00 bucks for a lap dance.
I think what my in laws fail to see is that some of these woman are business woman. They realize that they have a body that men will pay a lot of money to see. This does not make them prostitutes. The last time I checked you are a prostitute if you charge for sex.
I guess I dont understand and never will the insecurity that lurks in woman's closets. If you think your husband or boyfirend will go see a stripper or see a Playboy model and leave you then maybe your relationship needs to be examined. Why can we not just look at a woman and say, "Wow she is beautful." Plus its easier for a woman to give a compliment....just kidding.
I say live and let live. If its not for you then dont buy it, read it or watch it. Dont condem those of us who see nothing wrong with it and appreciate beauty in all its form not just the "right" ones.

Men

2005-06-09T09:19:00.000-04:00

My post today centers around one of my favorite subjects, men. Let me put this out there now I am not some nympho freak who stalks hotties trying to get laid. In fact I have been a pretty good girl most of my life. One thing for sure is that I am not lesbian. I enjoy the company of men. Let me clarify, I enjoy the company of men who peak my interests. Being that I am a Gemini I need stimulation. Boredom is not good for us twins. I do not like GQ poster boys who care more about their own looks then current affairs. I enjoy the company of men who will try my nerves, patience, intellect, and strength.
My Dad. The first man in my life. I am by far a daddy's girl. I am the baby of the family and for the majority of my life my father was my protector. He is what a father should be. Even to this day he calls and asks me if I need money, food, help with my car etc... and I am thouands of miles away. He is not college educated, but give him a piece of sheet metal and he can make it into a working machine. He is a mechanical wiz. He is opioniated and often times prejudiced in his beliefs. He taught me that the value of someone is not in what they have but what they have to give. He had nothing most of my life, I was not rich at all. He gave what he could, I have learned a lot from him and I love him dearly.
My best friend. I met this man at age 14 and I have known him for 18 years now. When I met him he was a teenager with angst and issues. He was not known for his polite conversations or his perky dispositions. He was an immediate attraction for me. I wanted to get to know him and understand why he was the way he was. Trying to know him and understand him, I became his friend. We fit. We were good together. I was the opposite of him. I looked at the sunny side lets say. He tried my nerves, my patience and my good nature and that thrilled me. We are still friends now and he still tries my nerves, patience and good side. He enjoys pushing my buttons till I tell him to fuck off. He taught me that difference is a good thing and I love him for that.
My husband. When I met my husband he was an edgy artist with dreams of his artwork being displayed. He was dramatic and passionate. He had a who cares attitude but took things he cared about seriously. He was older and had traveled. I enjoyed his conversations about different places and things he saw and drew. I enjoyed his passion and his excitement. I was captivated. He has taught me to see the color in life. He has taught me to express myself and see the color in something I percieve as black and white. He has opened my eyes and I love him for that.
Friends. I am drawn to men more naturally then woman. I am a tomboy. I enjoy sports, playing and watching. I like activity. I am not a girly girl although some parts os me are very girly! I have made a few male friends in Texas. Some of them are big brother types who are there to listen to me vent. Some of them are fun and allow me to show a little of my free side. A few of them try my nerves, patience, intellect and strength. Need I say more...

To Praise or not To Praise

2005-05-31T17:41:00.000-04:00

Sitting at work today it occured to me that life as I know it has changed a lot since I was a child. Life has changed a lot since I was in my 20's for goodness sake. I am really not that old but out of my 20's anyway. It seems that those who wish to not offend the general population are taking control of the rest of the world and making it impossible for anyone to be told, "hey you suck." Let me see if I can explain a little better.
When I was a child you had to try out to be on a team. You tried out and if you were good enough, you made it and if not, you were hurt and either tried harder next time or gave up. Now to be a memeber of a team you just have to pay a fee and show up. No good, No bad, just indifference. This occurs in sports, dance, school newspapers and committees at work. No one seems to care if you are qualified, they just want you to show up and have a good time. Not that this is a bad thing. Lord knows it saved me from having to console a crying child now and then. My concern is that life does not operate on the just show up and have a good time theory. If that was true I would be the head of a multi billion dollar corporation driving a jag and having a houseboy, because hell I can try. It does not mean I am any good at billion dollar deals or plastic surgery but I would show up. Understand. Do you want your plastic surgeon to say, "Mrs. Jones I did the best I could on your breast augmentation." No, if your paying 30,00.00 for a glorious boob job you want glorious boobs.
I know I have been rambling, but what are we sheltering our kids and other grown ups from. Reality. It is ok to say someone sucks. Just say it nicely. It allows them to find the things they dont suck at and move on from the things they do. It allows them to live their life doing something they like versus doing something just because they can show up. If my kids do something below their standard, I tell them. Next time they will either work harder or give up. They will live knowing they are not perfect and sometimes do things that downright just suck. Thats reality. If this post sucks please feel free to tell me. Luckily, this is not my full time job.

Parenting and Sex

2005-05-26T15:11:00.000-04:00

For those of you with children of any age you know that the title of this post is an oxymoron. You know that the sex you had that made you parents, is a thing of the past for at least 16 years. I say 16 because by that time most kids are driving and spend long hours away from the house. For those of you without kids let me see if I can paint the picture. You and your partner lying naked in front of a fire watching porno, makes you happy. You and your partner lying naked in front of a fire watching Nickelodeon, makes you Michael Jackson. Understand! I did not start this post today with the intention of talking about my sex life and how it has changed post children. That would take too long.
I am writting today because I dont understand sex ed in schools. About 4 months ago I was asked, by permission slip, if my teenage daughter could attend the sex ed portion of her science class given by a local clinic. For those of you that know me, I am a very open person and I have never had a problem discussing sexuality with my daughters. For those that read my last post you also know I am pretty liberal. I signed the permission slip and thought all was well.
I come from a family where sex is not a "bad" or "dirty" thing. My sisters and I all sat around with coffee at my Moms one day and told her all the palces we had sex in her house. One would say we are open. I also know that my mom and I are not the norm. I know that kids dont always get the benefit of talking to their parents about sex. So that is why sex ed is a good thing. Except the sex ed class that my daughter took talked about the following: Teen pregnancy, Abuse, STD's, Violence, and Puberty.
The one thing missing from the topics covered was Sex. No one told this bunch of teenagers what sex was. No pictures, no diagrams and no discussion. So we took a bunch of kids and told them not to get pregnant but we failed to tell them How they get pregnant. We told them not to get an STD but failed to tell them How they get STD's. Am I the only one that sees the flaw in this method?
Fortunately my daughter knows because thats the kind of parent I am. Consider this the next time you see a pregnat teenager, did we do our best to make sure she did not get that way or did we allow someone else like our schools or televison to do the tough stuff for us.

Texas and the rest of the world

2005-05-25T16:25:00.000-04:00

Last year I was given the oppurtunity to further my career by moving to Texas. Growing up in the North all my life I figured I was up to the challenge. I was wrong. I have spent the last year learning that Texans are a special breed of people. First off, they are nice. For my friends back home, I dont mean the kind of nice where you give the thank you wave to the driver that actually let you cut in on route 195, I mean talking about your day in the local grocery store kind of nice. Coming from a place where we never look people in the eye for fear of having them say, "what ya lookin at." This has been a shocker. I have learned that nice people really do exist and not just "being nice" to get something from you. Although, I have met those here to. Texans also exhibit an unbelievable pride in their state. People have the star of Texas on their house, driveway, car, tatooed on their body type of pride. They all attend the local high school football games regardless if they went or have kids in that school. They fly the Texas flag everywhere. I dont even know if Mass has a flag let alone fly it from my home or tatoo it on my body. The third thing that you cant miss is that it is perfectly ok for a Texas cop to call a woman darlin. There is even a commercial where a car dealer asks a woman if she has checked with her husband before buying the car....Where am I? Lastly Texans love George W. He is from here and supported here. For those of you that know me I am kind of liberal. I believe in a woman's right to choose and work for that matter. I support the men and woman fighting right now because they are giving up things I could not, like seeing my children. Dont get me wrong I like Texans. I just wanted to illustrate that even though we all live in the USA, I am a foreigner in a foreign land.