What Am I to You

What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Vast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue



When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so



If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball



When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I love you when you're blue
Tell me darlin true
What am I to you



Yah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
Never want to part
I'm giving you the ball



When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies



I will you love when you're blue
Tell me darlin true
What am I to you
What am I to you
What am I to you

Is it because I am a Woman?

I fucking hate being taken advantage of. I fucking hate it! I cant stand it when the situation is already bad enough but some jackass has to try and make some quick cash off of someone else's misfortune. Profiting off of someone else's misery is a crap ass way to make money. So to everyone who sees someone struggling and makes the situation worse because they can and the other person really has no choice, fuck you!

On Friday I was involved in a car accident. Thankfully, I was wearing my seat belt and walked away with some sore body parts and a messed up right knee. My car on the other hand was not so lucky.



Not being prepared to be in an accident was where I apparently went wrong. I did not know the name of the towing company that I wanted to tow my car from the scene. Not able to answer the State Trooper's question regading a towing company, he called a local city company. Two guys came, put my car on a flat bed and give me a ride to a local restaurant to be picked up because I could not wait for my ride on the highway. I asked the guy to bring my car to my house. I am pretty sure it was totaled and saw no reason to have it sit in storage for the next week or so. I also had $100.00 in groceries in the trunk and was hoping to not loose all of them as well. The driver told me "no, we can't do that." He dropped me off when my ride got there and took my car to his shop.

When I got home I called who I should have called for the tow in the first place and asked them to go and get my car and tow it to my house. I headed down to the first tow company to pay for the tow. I called first so they would be aware that another tow company was coming. This is where I got royally bent over and screwed. The bill to tow my car from 195E under Gov Center to Brayton ave...$168.00 Not kidding.

I was charged $90.00 for the police call for the tow. I was also charged because two guys came out versus one, milage, gas and $20.00 for storing my car for all of possibly 30 minutes before the other company arrived. In comparison the other company charged me $45.00 to tow my car from the city to my house in Westport.

I am aware that the insurance company of the party at fault will pay. That is not the point. The point is that you saw someone who was in a crappy situation and made it worse for profit.

You Will be Missed

Sorry for the melancholy blog but its really for me at this point.

My grandmother passed away a little before 4:00PM today. She was elderly and ill. This was something we were expecting and understand. Still does not make it any easier and for me this has hit me pretty hard.

My grandmother was married to my grandfather who passed away from cancer when she was young. She had a daughter and a son. She had 7 grandchildren and 9 great grand children. The youngest, just turned two.



Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. Grandma told the nurse the other night that she met, "the most handsome man in the world the other day." She said he told her he was taking her on a long vacation and not to worry.

Hopefully she has found that handsome man, seen my sister and once again be reunited with the love of her life. She did a good job in life. She raised two children who have done great and raised families of their own. We all love and respect our grandmother.

"Tomorrow the sun will rise."

I love you grandma!

The Town Pants

Newport Irish Festival

Brenna and I went to the Newport Irish Festival yesterday. The rain, humidity and grey skys made it the perfect setting for an Irish party. There were three large tents that held all of the food and mechandise. It was a little expensive but the money raised goes to charity.

Brenna spent a lot of time in the merchandise tent looking for her name. It is the kind of name that you cannot find here at all. She would like a sticker, tee shirt, even a pin that says Brenna. No luck yesterday! She said she thought her name was "too Irish even for this festival."

I did see a tee shirt for The Angry Piper. I would have bought it but he said he was going to be there today. It was black and had a picture of a pint of beer on the front that said, "I like to drink my pint in peace." and on the back, "But you look like you're in need of a good beating, and I'm always willing to help a poor bastard out."

I was drinking Harp all day. Piper will be be happy to know that there was no crappy girl beer there. Harp, Guinness or Smithwicks was what was on tap!

Added some pictures of the day to my MySpace. Tami *Smiley*. If you would like to see more of the day, go have a look.

An airbrush tattoo artist put a shamrock on my left breast. I know I dont need to draw any more attention to them, but what the heck. I was just having fun. He was a little shaky at first but it came out great.

The highlight of the day came when we saw that the band,
The Town Pants, would be playing at 3:00 PM. I already had a few of there songs on my iPod. They were amazing. We stood there in the rain yelling, dancing and watching some very intoxicated people around us enjoy the day as well. I bought all three of their cd's and Brenna got a hoodie. Check out the band. They are great. Songs I really like are, Breakfast with St. Swithin, The Old Landlord, Bottle of Rain, Mr Valentine's Dead, Ships Made of Wood and Whiskey You're the Devil.

Things you should know but probably dont

I am camping this weekend at Myles Standish. I need to relax in a big way. Life has just gotten a little overwhelming for me this past two weeks. Hopefully I will be able to kick back and relax. I am not a "camper" though so we shall see. I am also going with my sister. I love my sister but we dont always see eye to eye.

Thought I would leave you with these facts:

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T

1. Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp.

3. The dot over the letter 'I' is called a 'tittle'.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to
the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7-UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time hence, multitasking was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver

22. Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink
in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. 'Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. OJ Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and
work in the yard, and they haul her ass off to jail. RIP George!

Because I Can

I have always prided myself on being strong and independent. I know that regardless of my surroundings I can take care of myself. I like that about me. I enjoy knowing that I support my family, that I pay for my car, that I can complete a 5k, that I can bake some luscious desserts and that in the end I am still me. ~T~

I dont need anyone to take care of me. If something breaks then I can try and fix it or hire someone who knows how to fix it. I think this has been my greatest strength in my life and also a weakness. The problem comes in when I show others, especially men, that I dont need anyone to take care of me. There is a level of insecurity that lies within some men I meet that comes to the forefront when my independent nature comes out.

The biggest secret that I only allow myself to indulge is that just because I can does not always mean I want to.

So here is a list of some very masculine things that I enjoy being done by men. I would never admit these in public either because I am just a bitch that way.

1)Opening the door - I would never stand in front of a door and wait for it to be opened. I might also open it for a guy but the girl in me likes it when you open it for me.
2)Compliment - I think everyone likes to know when they look good and I am no different. I like to be told when I look nice as long as it is genuine. I like to give compliments as well especially when it comes to the way men smell. Love that!
3)Pumping Gas - I know it could be my car we are using but please do not make me get out and pump the gas while you sit in the car
4)Inspection Sticker - I HATE getting my car inspected. I wait until I get pulled over by the police before I go and have my car inspected. I dont know why but the man that does this for his girlfriend or wife is tops in my book.
5)Christmas/Groceries Shopping - Dont make me do this alone or worse pay for it all by myself. If I do go alone then at least help me wrap the gifts or put the food away when I get back.
6)Be Spontaneous - Not all the time because then it becomes predictable. Send me a picture or a card in the mail. Call to tell me you are thinking of me or pick me up without me knowing and go for a walk in the park. I love to do this too because for me its just the little gestures that mean so much.
7)Know what I like - Order my drink if I go to the bathroom and the waitress comes by. I enjoy coming back and realizing that you focused on a part of me while we were out and used it to make me smile.
8)Indulge my fantasy - This can be fun for all involved!
9)Kiss me/Touch me - Just because it feels good
10)Everything - Every now and then let me know that I make you happy. I am what you want in your life. I dont care how many woman you look at but when you look at me let me know there is no one else who can make you smile the way I can.

Just because I can does not always mean I want to.

~T~

Numb

This past Thursday was my fourth visit on the couch. The first three visits were pretty much getting to know you kind of crap. Geneone of my family and friends. Medical and psycholical history of my family,my husband and his family. That took a while. If either one us had considered our family history before we got married we would have been able to see that our DNA was not something that should be combined. Dont get me wrong I have wonderful daughters but after checking yes on a questionaire fifty times one would begin to wonder.

I was beginning to get a little frustrated on the couch because it seemed to be taking a long time to go over my history and I was a little impatient on getting to where I wanted to discuss certain things. The first being my seperation from my husband, the second being the guilt I have with my sister's death and my third being my fear of being alone for the rest of my life. I wanted to discuss these things and I wanted to tie them up in neat bows and get rid of them.

Not so fast...This last session was the first real "getting to the meat of the matter' session. I decided I dont like it so much. It was very difficult. It was trying, to say the least as I tried to describe my current situation and answered her questions about why. Why is the problem. I dont know why. I dont know why I am assertive with everyone else in my life but I let my seperated husband walk all over me. I dont know why when he says he is going to buy a motorcycle how I could just walk away instead of saying asking him to pay his half of hs daughter's tuition.

Exercise #1 - What would you say to a friend - the couch told me to step out of myself and think what I would say if a good friend told me the same story. What would I say to a friend whose husband has not given her any money for their daughter's tuition but calls and asks me to borrow $2000.00 for a motorcycle. This was good for me because I am opioniated and I know I would be the first one to say that its bullshit.

Exercise #2 - Speaking your mind - This is something that is very hard for me. I have been conditioned to be a pleaser and being nice is something that I am. I find it easier to just let things go rather than fight because it never seems worth the fight to me. I swallow it down and force my opinions and feelings to just go away. I told the couch that it had been so long since I argued with anyone over anything. She called me "numb." She told me I had to begin speaking my mind in a good way and not be concerned about the response of others. She told me I can only contorl my own words and actions I cant control the response of others. She is right and I will try. The only person I have ever been able to be free with in my life about my feelings is my best friend. He has truly seen the best and worst of me.

The final blow came yesterday. My husband and daughter went camping and he asked me to let out the dogs and feed them while they were away. I said yes and went over twice a day for the past 4 days. I went online to find my last resume so I could update it and look for a new job. While online I found a word document where he basically invalidated the one item that I have said soemthing negative to him about recently. He then went on to say that he was not going to "take care of me and my issues." I also found that he has once again stopped taking his medication. So thats it. I'm done. I have been done for about 3 years now and the reality of that fact is here now.

The Couch

Change is inevitable. At some point in everyone’s life there is change. Your reaction to this change very much determines the course of your remaining life. Some people react to change as if it was nothing more than new scenery. Others react as if their world has fallen apart and they need the glue to make the puzzle pieces fit. I fall somewhere in between.

This past year I made some tough decisions. In the wake of theses decisions I am faced with an overwhelming amount of change. I am going to list the changes in my life because when I did this the other day I was amazed.

• Separated from my husband of 14 years
• Sold my home
• Purchased a new vehicle
• Moved my family from Texas back to MA
• Changed to a more intense job within the same company
• Moved my daughters and myself in with my parents
• Enrolled my daughter and solely paying for her high school education

This list does not represent a year or two. This list began in November of 2007 and has been ongoing for the past 8 months.

During this time frame I have done what I always do best. In my life, my job is to carry on. I have always been the one who just keeps going. I am the real life version of the energizer bunny. In the face of everything, I exist. My daughters know this and rely on me to be there and exist. I insure their existence as well. My husband, although even now separated, knows that I exist and relies on that fact. He knows his children are well cared for and protected. This allows him to not have to “worry about them.” He also knows that I would work three jobs if I had to so they would exist and relies on that as well. My parents, sister, brother and friends all know that I exist. I exist.

Imagine my complete surprise when my mind and body recently began shouting that I need to do more than exist. I began to have these weird attacks where I could not breathe or swallow. My heart would race, my blood pressure would rise, my head would pound, my body would shake and then 20 minutes later I was done and asleep. I had issues eating because each time I ate I thought I would choke and had difficulty swallowing. I could not drive long distances without getting dizzy or start a migraine. My joints ached and I was chronically tired.

WTF? I thought I was dying. My sister passed away at 35 from MS and surely I was next in line. I thought I had this dreaded disease or a brain tumor. I really thought I was dying and began to prepare myself for the worst. I did not tell anyone. I would not tell anyone because that’s just not me. I went to the Dr. We ran tests. We have determined that I am not dying.

I am stressed. I am not joking. I have anxiety and stress. There is such a big part of me that is really pissed off about it all. I am not this person. I exist! God damn it, this is not me.

So begins my journey on “the couch.”

Its Alive

Stole this from Malach, who stole this from Kitty.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Married for 4 years.
I had two small children under the age of 5.
I was working full time with the same company.
I was superwoman in my down time.
I dressed in leather and chained men to the wall for some side cash.

Name 5 things on today’s ‘to do’ list:
6 conference calls. All an hour long
Arrange lunch with Malach and Piper :)
Pick up camping things at Walmart for my youngest daughter, Morgan who leaves for Maine on Thursday
Work through 142 work emails (no joke)
Drink something when I get home

What snacks do you enjoy:
Chips and queso
Fruit
Wine
Hot Tamales

What would you do if you were a millionaire?:
I would quit my job and collect shells on a tropical beach. I have never been any place tropical for vacation and would like to go.
I would be sure my family and my children are set.
I would hire a trainer and train for a marathon.
I would hire someone I know to do what they do best and get paid for it.

Where have you lived?:
Grew up in Westport.
Married and lived in multiple places in Fall River.
Moved back to Wesport for a bit.
Moved to Texas for 4 years.
Moved back to Westport and now living with Mom.
Life has come full freakin circle.
Looking for my own place now in Westport for my daughters and I

Under Attack

This thought enters my mind. It is unwarranted and unwanted. It sits on idle waiting for the smallest chance to explode into the forefront of my cognition. Given the green light by mere circumstance it runs over everything in its path, dancing in fancy among the reasonable. Its delights like a child watching fireworks on the sand in my head. It rides unbridled and once loose I, the owner, become the prisoner in this game of wills.

Options lay before me in intricate network firings. Flight or fight. Make the choice. Give in to the lusty smell of the uncontrolled or rage against the intruder until the death of consciousness. Frantically searching for the potent elixir to silence this all too rushed taxi cab driver with the bad English accent. I retreat to the small space in the back seat and collapse.

My life support system rushes adrenaline, my core aches and pounds. I am running a marathon for which I have not trained. My body controls itself with small muscle tremors that leaving me feeling like I‘am standing in a rain storm on top of the North Pole. Nothing comforts the rumble in my senses of the thunder and invasion of the ominous closing clouds. I am tossed in the sea of hysteria as the salt forms around my lips and in my throat. I struggle for sounds and the taste of clean, fresh life sustaining liquid. In the remote parts of my cortex I can hear repeating sounds, “you’re ok.” I can’t hold onto those words and make them mine. I have succumbed and only time can toss me onto realities shore.

Time passes and my breath quiets. The racing, pounding and relentless rush is gone. This thought that interrupted the normal flow of my synapses is tired and retreats to the subconscious underworld in which it dwells. Exhausted, I am done.

Relay For Life

Each year I participate in two fund raising events. The first one is the Relay For Life. The second one is the Armstrong Challenge. Both of these events help raise money to fight cancer.

Cancer has touched all of our lives in one way or another. We know someone who is battling the disease right now. We know someone who has passed away from cancer. We know muillions of other people the world over battle this disease daily.

I work for these two fund raisers because I beleive in what they do to thelp those with cancer. This year I will be spending the night at a high school track doing the Relay for Life. It is a 24 hour walk to raise awareness and funds for the American Cancer Society.

Please help me reach my goal! Please donate on my personal page and help me battle cancer with the funds needed for research and treatment!

Thank you for your support!
Tami

Murk Moved Me

It has been a long time since I have been online and even longer since I have written anything. Dont think its quite as long as the Piper has taken off from blogging but pretty close. I have been dealing with some pretty crappy anxiety issues recently. I am trying to overcome them but they have been a test for me.
One night last week I went online and read Dr. Murks blog. If you have not read him, you really should. The post was The Generation of Promises. I like to read Murk because he provokes all kinds of responses. Some people get upset and lash out. Some people agree and add there own thoughts. Most of the time I am just a reader who enjoys what he writes.
This post was different for me though. I wont get all mushy and say that he had this major impact but he really made me think of the way I go about living.
I want to do something good for others. I want to be a better person. Why is there such a want but very little in the way of action? Is it laziness? Is it fear? Is it selfishness?
I have given this some thought and put it in context in my daily life. I watched for a few days the way strangers interact. I was really kind of saddenned by what I saw. There was an accident on 195 the other day and one lane had to merge into the middle lane. No one would let these other cars in line. Why? We were going nowhere at all. What was the harm of letting a car in the line? People were flipping each other off and yelling. No one was going anywhere fast. At the mall I watched three people pass by an elderly woman struggling to open the mall doors with her packages in her hand. I opened the door as she walked out and she smiled and said thank you. It felt good. Small but good.
I am not a cynical person and I really believe that most people try to live in a good way. I think for most people, including myself, it is more lack of attention than anything else. When I get in the mall I hardly notice those around me. I dont smile or make random conversation. I go to work, pick up the kids, make dinner, workout and do it all again the next day. It is routine.
Well thank you Murk for making me see that I am routine. I have decided that I am going to try to be better. I am going to make an impact in even small ways. If I believe in the good of mankind I should contribute to that good as well. Think about it!

I'm Your Private Dancer

Most people stalk the rich and famous. They will stand in line for hours to see a concert or catch a glimpse of a movie star. As many of you already know, I am not like most people.

I discovered this last weekend that I stalk chefs and bakers. Give me a man who knows what wine goes with the fabulous meal he just prepared and I would be his. If not his forever, at least for four good hours!

I found out the other day that Andrew Shotts, the owner of Garrison Confections, was in Providence. It appears that his shop is in Providence. I was obsessed about going. The shop was very nice and I bought a few really great items. I bought some buttery toffee, 3 flavored chocolates and some chocolate covered gummi bears. The highlight for me was that while I was there, Andrew Shotts came into the shop. I stood there like a teenage girl. Could not say anything except hi. He said hi and disappeared into the back of the shop. Mad highlight of my day.

So if you can bake or cook watch out. I could be stalking you too soon.

Innocent Angel Lady

New nickname given to me by my friend Jeff. After the week I have had, I gladly took the new nickname. This week I have had more negative interactions with men than ever in my life. Apparently I am trouble with a big capital "T" Which is funny because that is how I sign my emails at the bottom (~T~). Maybe that is where "friend A" got the idea to actually call me that.While venting to poor Jeff, I said I didint understand where it came from because I am a really laid back kind of person. I consider myself pretty easy to get along with. I said, I change the batteries in my halo all the time. Hence the new nickname.

Got stood up today too. Never had that happen to me before so I guess I am lucky. I got asked to breakfast and I was the only one who showed. No call, no response to my call. Oh well it was just breakfast and it was just two old friends catching up. Courtesy might have been nice but it did not happen. Looked damn cute too.

My new theme song. Maybe if I was not so laid back I would have better interactions.


~T~